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(There's Gotta Be) More To Life - Stacie Orrico
*also popular for her christian music. it's alright...
I've got it all, but I fell so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I fell like I'm missing
And why can't I let go
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I felling like there's something I missed...
Always.... Always
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
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i'm so unhappy right now. i just feel so unfulfilled, totally unsatisfied. i want so much more and i just can't get there. i don't know what's holding me back. i don't know that it's me holding myself back. if it is (which is probably the case), it's my own damn fault.
i have no clue. i've lost all sense of myself. i don't know who i am anymore. i'm changing. i'm dealing but not quickly enough... i'm so confused and anxious and just stressed.
people tell me that i shouldn't stress so much. they commend me for taking on so much and still surviving and even thriving, but it really taking a toll on me. REALLY taking a toll.
the problem is that i don't know what i want to cut out of my life. everything makes me happy in one way or another. everything is essential to sustaining that part of me. i can't let go. but somehow, at the end of most days... that happiness just isn't enough. i want to find that all-encompassing happiness. i want to find that thing, that activity, that person. i want it so badly that it hurts... *ugh* i feel so alone.
it's truly amazing how i can feel so alone even though i've gotta all these people around me, supporting me, watching out for me, loving me. sternie, staffers, first years, best buds, family... i just don't know what to do.
here's the "sitch":
sternies: seeing less and less of them as we're all retreating to our rooms earlier and earlier to get some serious studying going on... rarely make it to dinner w/ all my meetings. hall ass is ok. it's something i enjoy, but i feel like i could be doing so much more there. i feel like i'm not doing everything that i could be. why am i hesitating?
staffers: i've got no real problem w/ them. the work is starting to bog down on me. they know i do a lot there.. i was even the first ever INTERN OF THE WEEK (or something like that). that was really cool. being the first recognized on friday, yeah... it was aight. it's a pleasant environment to work in, but i just don't like how EVERYONE has such a negative view of the ASUC. i guess it's reasonable. most people don't know. most people don't trust. most people don't give a shit about their student gov't. that saddens me. a lot.
first years: i want to spend more time with them. this is my community for the next 4 years. i feel bad that i haven't been as committed to them as i was in the beginning of the year. i see bonds formed already, little circles that i don't really feel part of, inside jokes and parties and games... it's understandable. it is. i just wish i were a part of it. idk... i did without the filipino posse in HS and i was ok, but now i really want to be close to it.
best buds: i don't know what's wrong with me, but something doesn't feel right, guys.
family: i want to be left alone for awhile. i'm sick of calling every morning and every night. overkill huh? i'm so tired to coming out for the weekend only to sit on my ass, catch up on tv, and go to church once or twice or however times in need to because i'm still lectoring, eucharistic ministering, and cantoring. i'm SO TIRED! i really don't want to see them for awhile. JUST LET ME BE! i feel like such a kid at home... i shouldn't be talked to like a child. i don't deserve that. maybe if you talked to me like an adult and let me express myself and show you people that i don't want trouble, maybe then i'll start to respect you more. i mean, i respect you.. but i just don't appreciate that way i'm being treated in that house. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder... well, then i'm no more fonder of my family than when i started school. ugh! teenage angst... it doesn't go away. i'm so tired of dealing with you people! ie. rachel.. what the heck! why are you so violent? always beating on me and picking fights and just being downright annoying... i don't want to deal with your childish attitude. it gives me a headache. it's so dumb and juvenile.. i could rip you to shreds, but i choose not to. i choose to be the better person, and what do you do? you come back at me again, harder. grow up! and then jamie doesn't even respect my things. i leave home on sunday night. my room is CLEAN! i come back friday night and my dresser is a MESS! LEAVE MY THINGS ALONE!!!!!!! C'mon now... and then the parents. just leave me alone!! that's all i want... please don't nag me. whatever you need will get done. if i don't answer right away... it's not disrespect, it's my slow brain trying to process what you said. and sometimes.. i just don't hear it. you're guilty of the same thing... i don't know how many times you've ignored me in the past. i don't know how many times i've called out for you.. and i've gotten nothing. no answer. and yet you were only 2 feet away. what goes around comes around. you do what you know. you learn from your parents. that's what i've learned and picked up... how can you blame me? and about having friends and being social and going on to see them. OMG! what's wrong with that!!! i haven't seen some of them for MONTHS! literally MONTHS! what's the problem with wanting to drive out to pleasant hill or danville or benicia to kick it for a day, an evening, or even an hour! i think i can make decisions for myself. i think i know what needs to get done.. you don't think i'm planning out my day in advance, that i've got goals for myself, that i'm not constantly thinking about my future and every little think i need to do to get there... i know where my priorities are. i can balance, if you'd only let me... instead you're driving me in the all-success-by-profession side of the balance... i don't like that side. it's cold and lonely and without true happiness. i'm sick of hearing that i can have what i want when i'm a professional... DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT WILL BE!!!???!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... i can't stand it anymore.
can i just start over? is it too late to start over??
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posted by Rita at 
