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so i keep starting up and stopping xanga entries. you'd probably think i'm a crazy person for trying to formulate stuff to put in here. i think i am.
i think this "final" copy for tonight entry will address this stopping a starting.
1) i'm not really feelin those "this was my day. this is what i did. this is who i did it with" kind of entries right now. for whatever reason, i'm not sure. but lately, thinking about how my days are filled with classes and meetings and more events and more meetings and midterms and homework has depressed me. it makes me tired and makes my brain hurt. i look back and think "eh, it wasn't sooooo bad. i came out of it a better person? maybe? next time, i'll handle it better."
but that never happens.
i'm seriously stuck in some rut. trends repeat. thoughts cycle. actions remain unchanged.
which lead me to "starting & stopping" reason 2...
2) i keep writing about the same damn things. it either goes ...
"uh. life sucks. it's hard. i can't keep up. classes are rough. too many meetings. no time. there's never any time. i don't have time to study. i'll never get into stanford. jessie spano-type freakout sessions!"
or
"awwww.... i love chris. i love him sooooooo much. muah muah muah!"
or
"i can't juggle these 2 lives at home and at school. my friends don't mix. my family doesn't work into my life here. they're too seperate. duality is not fun!"
or
"aw man. today was great. i feel so empowered and happy and passionate about (insert pil-org, student group, activity, event here)"
or
"insert something really really really random like a quote or quiz or graph or something here"
maybe i'm overanalyzing this xanga stuff. maybe this is just what they're/it's/mine is made of. whatever.
i don't know what direction i want my xanga/blog to take and that's kinda frustrating... but then again, do these even need direction? should there be direction? should these be directionless? or just the direction of where my life is going right now?
yeah, maybe it's the last one.
and so that's probably why my entries are more scattered right now, and why i so desire to write something with substance or show thought beyond a list of random items.
i'm not sure in what direction i'm moving. hopefully it's forward... heck, i don't know.
i guess... right now, i'm trying to become more of a reflective person. but it's just hard when the world is so quick paced. i really admire people who keep there cool and can rock the academics and student groups or jobs or whatever on the side.
reflection is hard, when you feel you don't have time for it. yeah?
and a lot of the time, the things i think about just kinda trail off into nowhere or that certain train-of-thought is abruptly derailed by a telephone call, or a meeting, or homework. lol.
if for one day, i could shut out all distractions (family, friends, chris, school, clubs, telephones, email, internet, tv, jarring noises like the construction and squeeky brakes from AC transit, and anything else that falls into this category), could i achieve this reflective zone that i'm searching for?
who knows...
...and now to finish some physics homework.  but i'll leave you with this thought: "There's gotta more to life than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me."
(VIDEO WAS HERE: Stacie Orrico "More to Life") |
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posted by Rita at 
