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i feel like venting.. like the good 'ol days.
point 1: so yesterday, i got on the computer at around 7. did the usual reading of emails, checking of blogs/xangas, seeing who was on aim, and then i decided to write a lil something on my xanga. so i did. i wrote this fatty year in review, all my resolutions, some shout-outs, some new year, old year stuff... and then it crashed. or something. and i lost it... all. that really bugged me. i had just emoted to my computer and then it was gone. grateful piece of metal.
this computer is annoying me more and more. and still, i use it. it's a love/hate thing i suspect... at least it turned that way when i brought it home for the holidays. everything was peachy back at cal. because... well... i didn't have to share it. now jamie and rachel have united in a force against me (as always) to monopolize the daylight hours on the computer. what fun. using up my memory. saving random junk that won't even be here two weeks from now. just playing around on it all day. ugh... it's mine! i'm selfish! i know! but gaaaaaaaaaaaaa... whatever. 2 more weeks and it'll be back in the dorms, and so will i.
point 2: ah yes! i'll be back in two weeks. i can't believe i wanna go back to school. i'm so antsy about it nowadays... people start school on monday. i wouldn't mind it. i like being away at college, even if it's only a 30 minute cardrive and i HAVE TO come home every weekend. at least it's time away. time where i can focus on school and cal-related things. time to spend with people i want to build solid relationships with. time where i can prioritize what i wanna do with the time i have without worrying about my parents schedules or my sisters. time where i can get away from the family dynamics and the hectic life that surrounds me here. i really do like the pseudo-freedom. who wouldn't?
point 3: so after the xanga incident yesterday. jamie and i got in a squabble about the computer and so my dad told us to go to bed. amazing... they still dictate my bedtime. i really really hate that. so i went to my room. busted out an old diary from my daniel stage... and started to write. i wrote a lot. stuff i'd never dare write online on this blog or on my xanga. and that's another thing... it kinda sucks not to be able to write about the things i'd really like to right now. too many people read it. too many people stumble on it. strangers. reading about me. my life. my thoughts. my emotional instabilities... i thought i was ok with it. i've told myself that i was ok with it many many times... but i don't know anymore.
i hate how i always second guess myself. it can't be good.
i thought it'd be cool if people could learn to understand me more through this blog. and it is. but there are times when the things that are really really important to me just can't go on this journal... and that's pretty frustrating. i don't want this to be a daily account of what i do, the places i go, the normalcy that perpetually surrounds me. i wanna draw from within myself without fear or worry. i wanna be free to say what i want without feeling weird about it. i don't want to be limited by the sense that people are judging me. it's the mind block i've created for myself then, i guess, which is the problem. dah....
but i'm proud. and i don't want to hurt people's feelings and i don't want people to be angry at me for what i say...
which kinda segues into...
point 4:
i don't wanna be a disappointment.
i don't wanna be a pessimist.
i don't wanna be the one to ruin whatever it is that we (that being, whoever you are that is reading this) has... if anything.
i'm a person-pleaser. is that wrong?
i wanna make people happy. i wanna be able to empathize with them. i wanna be compassionate and loving and supportive. i wanna be fun.
but it's hard to be that way all the time. ya know? i know i'm not. i've been told that i complain. and that's true. i've been told i complain a lot. true, again. but i don't mean to... i'm not a cold-hearted person. i don't like the unhappiness or the problems or the drama (most of the time). it's just conversation. stuff to talk about. stuff to bond over. so i'm sorry...
i'm sorry if i've made any of you feel like i only come to you when i'm in need of an open mind and understanding words. i'm sorry if i've stuck any of you in the middle of my problems. i'm sorry if i haven't treated you the way you deserve to be treated or haven't given you the respect you deserve.
i don't mean to be harsh or overly critical. i don't mean to be closed-minded and self-centered. i just am sometimes. so for the new year... i'll try harder to be the person i idealy envision myself becoming: a strong, independant, empathetic woman of substance. 
it'll be an interesting year, i'm sure.
ok... so that wasn't nearly as forceful or vent-y as i had imagined it to be. once again... here i go sugar-coating the real shit. oh well... i'm a work in progress. |
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posted by Rita at 
