| too many tears have been shed. |
sometimes i wonder: what's the point?
some mindless ranting:
i don't have the time for this reflective shit. but i need to make time for it. to let it out. let it flow. let it move. move away from me. move away from the me that it's slowly eating away at. eating away at little. little because i don't have much in me. i don't have much of a fight left in me. i am drained.
i remember this really charismatic dude speaking at santa clara. an admissions person, actually. and he said something kinda cool. he said that they weren't looking for high school students to be collapsing on their doorstep. they weren't looking for kids who were burned out.
sucks for berkeley. they got me. burned out.
but i try. i try not to suck. not to fail. to just get by. because i'm no genius. i have no exceptional strengths. i am ordinary here. just plain-jane ordinary.
but what's wrong with that?
nothing, right?
wrong.
wrong because i'm not owning up to what my parents are paying. i'm not getting that 4.0. i'm not getting the "education" that is being spent on me. too bad it's the best one i could get for that "cheap".
"cheap"
it's not cheap.
schooling is too expensive.
if schooling were less expensive and if schooling were at the same quality as it is here or any other "top" university... the world would be better i think. people would come out more equip for the real world. people would hopefully learn. learn book stuff. learn street stuff. learn world stuff.
i can't believe they only sent me here for book stuff.
i'm really actually a little ashamed to say that.
berkeley. the top public university in the nation. and i'm just here for book stuff. what an injustice.
how can i not be expected to "get involved". how can i not be expected to try to find "my niche" amongst the tens of thousands of students here. sorry i tried to make berkeley small, make berkeley mine... i should've known better.
you can't have both.
it's either one or the other.
hope is lost. because those are the fucking cards i've been handed. and those are the cards i must play.
so this will be my last year with the kind of involvement i thrive on. with the community i've grown to love. with everything that has made me happy, kept me sane, or away from "bad, immoral, corrupting" things.
so that's that. it has been decided. decided by me? eh. kinda.
decided FOR me? fo shizzle.
was this the plan all along? yes.
was this MY plan all along? hell no.
(gosh... i hope things change. like they have before. but i just don't know this time.)
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posted by Rita at 
