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from lauren's blog:
thinking while i was looking out the window (because really, how can one focus when its that pretty outside?) i remembered that part from "about a boy" when marcus is talking about his relationship with ellie: where he explains that he wants to be with her all the time, wants to tell her everything, and doesn't want her to have another boyfriend....and if he can have all these things, he doesn't really mind whether he touches her or not....and it totally connected with what we talked about in philosophy today, about the nature of eros and the hypocrisy of the pederasts in ancient greece who claimed that the most virtuous love was the platonic form in which gratification wasn't necessary as long as you could share ideas and speeches and, in that one person find the completion of yourself (hypocritcal because they almost never resisted gratifying their lovers, just to make that clear)....and the thing is, society is still like that now; we say we're in love at first sight, that we "need" someone without really knowing them...there's no way you can be completed, made whole, made to understand the whole, simply by "embracing" another person who you find attractive at first sight; you need to find out about them, talk to them...and its these people, rather than the strikingly attractive at first glance, who you suddenly discover complete you. good way to judge love, and something to think about in the 5 minutes of spare time you have when you're not studying for midterms or writing papers or something: why do you love someone? and in the case of eros, or erotic love, would you love the person if you couldn't touch them, etc? ( i realize its more fun this way, you know...but i'm trying to be lofty for just a minute here; just let me get it out of my system...although, really, i think it makes good sense) would they mean as much to you if you couldn't be physically intimate? does the person you desire physical closeness with complete you, or at least do they have to potential to do so?
well... the last two weeks have been pretty cool. minimal stress, drama, and such... but upon reading my best bud's blog, i found myself falling back into a state of sadness. thanks lauren. i know it's unintentional and has nothing to do with me in particular... but, still, damn... hit em where it hurt. or hurts....
see. maybe that's my problem.. i thought i was moving on--moving forward. but i think i might've just been fooling myself all along.
the other day he sent me a link of his friend's online photo album. i hadn't seen him in a month and a half, but then seeing the pictures... idk, something inside of me that must've been holding onto his memory must've kicked into gear or something. it's weird. we've been keeping contact. talking on aim a few nights a week. the occassional phone call. an email or two. but actually seeing him ("evil eyes" and all) at college weakened me, i think. it's like they're there... but they're not. (if that makes any sense at all)
i don't think this should be bothering me, but it is. and i need to get it out in the open. it's hard not to have my usual posse around to talk to and gossip with and get all "lugubrious" on. detached/random statements on AIM. virtual hugs. awkward silences. is this how the next 4 years will continue? i guess i might as well get used to it.
sometimes i wonder if people will remember me. b/c i know i'll always remember them.
i feel alone.
oh yeah, i am. my roomie decided not to come back till tomorrow. thus begins my looooong night of hw. |
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posted by Rita at 
