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a post in response to my dear friend, lauren, and her most recent blog entry: I NEED A MAN, TOO!
it's been so long since i've felt that kind of affection. ahhhhhhh, it's driving me nutz! i am sooooooooooo boy deprived at STERN! thank goodness for ASUC and pil-orgs and all that curricular and extracurricular...
and here's another thing i need to get out there, i said "since"... which implies that i've been there before. and yes, it's true. i have. i had a boyfriend this summer. it was possibly the best summer of my life... (but then again, i'm only 18, so that's probably not saying much)
in any case, not many people knew (parents included). my sister's didn't even know until it was over... and yeah. i kinda feel bad about not addressing this a lot earlier. there are a lot of things i wanted to say, lots of things i wanted to record in this cool blog, but i refrained from such topic because i knew that people read this and i didn't want other people knowing ALL of that. guess, it just comes with having a public online journal... i mean, as cool as it is to have one and feel relatively free and creative and alla that... sometimes i feel like i restricting myself, and i was. a lot.
and idk, it's just weird. for awhile, i knew that he checked my blog (this was before the hook-up) and read it... and so i didn't really want him reading more things about himself and about the things we did and how i felt about everything... it didn't seem right for him to just read it in my journal, because those are the types of things you should exclusively tell each other ya know, and not the whole internet-wired world. yeah. but now, i'm just kinda questioning it all.. like, what if i had written down everything? if i had, i'd be able to look at it all now, like right now... but in those days, would it have changed our relationship? idk.. it's really hard not to dwell on the past. really hard. still trying to get over it all.
and the fact that i'm still trying to get over it is kinda troubling me. it's been over two months.. and i still have strong feelings for him. not totally romantically-inclined but not totally friendship-inclined. it's so hard. we were really good friends, and so it really saddens me not to know how he's doing. it really saddens me not to know how my other friends are doing, too. like megan and christina, where the hell are they?? i talk to becky and lauren often, but even then... i know we try really hard to stay in touch. we call. email. IM. but it's just so different from having them here and seeing them! actually SEEING them... and this is where it comes back to peter. he was in town this weekend. and i still didn't SEE him. at one point he was all of 5 minutes away, and i just couldn't go and see him. or him, me. and i would've loved to have seen him. really would've loved to see him. but as things always seem to go, it just doesn't work out. and my hopes are again smashed...
but i've gotta realize that this is college and not high school. i've gotta realize that we all live separate lives and want different things (if any) from each other. is it right to still want we we had and more? is it right to think that my friends want to hear from me as much as i want to hear from them? i wonder what it's gonna be like when christmas break comes around... and we can actually SEE each other. will they want to? and how do my "old" friends fit in with my "new" friends?
i think that fact that we always talk about the good 'ol days makes it harder. i'm sooooo guilty of that too... just saying "remember when.. remember how.." remember. remember. remember. and now.. all this "i need a man!" talk... it's a cycle i tell ya! i think i need to move FORWARD! well.. i am. but just with less looking back. but looking back isn't all that bad either, ya know? AHH! see my confusion! and it's not even all this "remember" talk.. it's just doing little things or hearing songs and typing key phrases that immediately we all associate with the past. like last night, i was laying in bed talkin with peter... and neither of us had anything to say for, idk, a few minutes... it was just silence. and then it's broken with "what are you thinking about?" ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i don't even know how many times i had said that or he had said that this summer.. i'm surprised i didn't say "nooothin". haha. it's just things like that that shove me back in time.
i honestly don't know how to break these habits... so if anyone's got suggestions i'm down.
oh.. and don't think that because i'm talking about my old friends so much, i don't care about the new and valuable friendships i've formed out here at Cal. i absolutely love these people too!! they probably have no idea how much easier they've made my life here... how happy i am to have met them so early and how excited i am about seeing how the next 4 years are gonna progress. i love you all! old and new! i'll always love you!
side note: i've been informed of late that my auntie marie reads my blog! and that my dad might also... so in that case, "hi, and please don't think i'm a horrible person for saying the things i say or thinking the things think, but i'm me and that's what having a blog is about, right? letting yourself flow... don't worry about me. i'm still your darling little rita [lil weeta] but i'm getting older, my thoughts aren't all bubblegum and barbie dolls anymore, and i go through inner turmoil like any other 18 year old girl does. i wanted to keep this blog so that one day i can look back and remember all the good and the bad and everything in between, and i've kinda been censoring it lately (actually, i've been censoring it for awhile) and i don't like that feeling.. knowing that people look at this and judge me. but hey, that's just how it goes... and so please give me some literary license and let me flow."
actually, i think i need to let myself let me flow...
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posted by Rita at 
