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THIS IS THE UPDATE PART 1 OF THE MOST PUSHED-BACK UPDATE OF MY LIFE TIME! brace yourself... it just might take you the whole remix to read. btw, the remix is 30 minutes long! Enjoy...
[FRIDAY 02.27.04] PAArty: Sadies
that day was SO hectic. From class, to last minute accessory shopping, to hip-hopping, to getting ready, the day was just like go. go. go!!! but it was so worth it! *sigh* so after hip-hop, i had an hour to shower, dry the hair, apply the make-up, get dressed in the ever-so-cool outfit that frances and i had spent like all of Thursday night creating! Oh yeah…. Thursday night @ frances’ cutting up her orange Hendrix college shirt! That was so fun! “I’VE GOT TWINE” haha….. oh dear. So we cut up the collar to make it wider, shortened the sleeves, cut slits up the sides, and criss-crossed the twine string through some holes… oh and with the scraps from the sleeve, we made a wristband!!! How cool is that! Haha…. Ok, so back to Friday, Angelo and Madel picked me up a lil past 10:30, and then we picked up Valery and Ruben. And we got to the party a lil after 11. and all the other first years were there!! Dang, we looked hella cute! Chris was looking like John Mayer in the blue/orange/denim fit Vaughn had coordinated for him that matched mine more-or-less. And there was Kevin and Frances gettin a lil freak-ay on the dance floor in their black and white ensembles. Vaughn and Camille had matching I NY shirts. Richelle and Andrew looked hella sexay! Diana and Mark were sportin black and orange. Chandra and Leo, lookin’ fabulous as always! I think that’s everyone… hehe. GOOD FOOTBALL is really….. good! Haha!
But yeah… we all got there pretty late, so by the time the dance was over… we still wanted to hang out. We chilled @ Cunningham lounge and mark and Andrew were jamming (I didn’t freestyle though… will do in the future), we played “three to a couch”. Girls won! Ha! And just hung out… good times. So it was pretty late and we didn’t wanna walk home, so we called for the Bearwalk shuttle… and get this, the guy made up some lame excuse and rannel and I ended up WALKING home. WTF! Other than that, it was a wonderful day!
[SUNDAY 02.29.04] It’s a LEAP YEAR! Guess who’s anniversary is on a leap day?
So… Frances and Kevin FINALLY hooked up! tee-hee. If you want the details… hit up their xangas. After church, we all went back to Camille’s…
[MONDAY 03.01.04] SLUMBER PARTY @ CKC
kinda… Camille, Frances, and I stayed up most of the night basking in the events of the weekend… hehe! It’s great being a girl! We found the good football soundtrack! And we danced around and worked on projects and ate and talked and IM’d… and Mark came by, too. We all had breakfast together and left after that. Hehe… the things you learn. AIM logs… muahahaha… girls are so smart!
Later that night, I went to the Senate FiComm meeting for PCN funding… dang we hella need a Filipino senator. I really hate this party politics, but there are just times when you’ve got to play into the game to make sure that the needs of your community are met and that the things/issues that they are concerned with are made known and had something done about it. That night, I felt ready to step-up. Little did I know… but others felt that way too… this would prove rather… frustrating?… later on. Read on.
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[SUNDAY 03.07.04] And the confusion/frustration/emotional drainage begins….
So.. we had our VERY FIRST ALL CAST! OMG! It was so cool. So psyched for PCN! Everyone was in good spirits! Very pleased…. Very content… and then… Gin calls me and leaves a message that the Pil-org directors would like to interview all potential senate candidates…
I didn’t know this was an endorsement interview.
Maybe it was better that way…
But yeah… I DIDN’T KNOW!
And so I did the interview, I realized I’d fucked up and not mentioned 2 of the orgs (because… well, I didn’t know they were Orgs. I knew they existed… but yeah, can’t change that now).
This whole slating process to this point was much more complicated and shady and fucked-up than I had known.
So I get a call at around 1 am on Monday morning. It’s Jamie. She sounds kinda… idk… like she doesn’t have good news. BUT IT’S TOTALLY GOOD NEWS!!!!!! CalSERVE “slated” me. You don’t even know how good that felt… you feel like, “Yeah! They really felt me. They wanted me to represent for them. They believed in me. They were ready to back me up.” I was talking to my good friend, Jason, at the time too… we were both waiting for phonecalls. We were talking about what would happen if we both got slated. If we both didn’t. if one of us did and the other didn't. *sigh…* but we both got a phonecall to say we were slated!!! So so so so happy! It was like a cap to the most wonderful few months of college so far! And when I say cap. I mean CAP. Like END! Because that’s when things got very very very fucked up.
[MONDAY 03.08.04] What do you mean, “don’t file my papers”?
so I get a call from Olivia around 2 in the morning… she says not to file my papers because they haven’t interviewed everyone.
SO CONFUSED!
What do these interviews have to do with me running???
CalSERVE slated me, right?? Right???
So I’m about to file them, and Olivia calls (or I call her to make sure things are ok), and I end up not filing them. and we talk for a long time, and damn… I feel hella shitty after that convo. I had no idea about these internal struggles. I feel so disillusioned. I feel like I know so little. I feel like I’m being used—or rather that I’m caught in the middle of something I didn’t even know about. I feel my happy little bubble POP. And those goddam soap suds splatter right into my eyes and they burn like hell. Things just aren’t the same after that.
I get phonecalls from Jamie and Taina about checking in with me. I talk to Kris. I talk to Jason. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. How can all this be happening so fast? How am I supposed to deal with all this shit that has been suddenly placed on me? How is this fair?
It’s not. Simple as that.
[TUESDAY 03.09.04] “Houston, we’ve got a problem.” Pshhhh.. we got HELLA PROBLEMS!
So after a long day of classes, of meetings, of project scrambling, I attend a CalSERVE community meeting. This meeting was supposed to last just 2 hours……..
It did not. But at least I had friends there and people from my community there to keep company from 10-5 in the morning. So many tears. So many questions. So much dancing around the topic and trying to side-step the issues.
Drained. So tired.
[WEDNESDAY 03.10.04] Not the community’s choice.
PCN gets their money. SA senators acts ridiculous… OMG, they were so fake. Didn’t fool me for a second. What crummy leaders… it’s so disappointing to see that, it really is. I know they’re better than that. But give me a break, and give our community some credit. Sheesh…
And then the Pil-org directors endorse Annalyn! (yay annalyn!) I was fine with their decision. Really… but idk, it was just a really hard position to be put in, because that kinda set the tone for Thursday.
[THURSDAY 03.11.04] Please give me a chance…
Left Dance a lil early to attend the town hall meeting about the election process and senate endorsement process. Went to the Alumni Dinner. That was fun! Went to the PAA mtg… which turned into another town hall… and honestly, I don’t know how effective it was. It was very short. And well… people (most people) didn’t have a clue as to what they were talking about. I really don’t like when that happens. I mean, at least let them know what it’s about. Give them some background. Give them ALL the details… hella shady, if you don’t do that. Because that’s what causes the problems, the frustrations, the confusion. If you leave people in the dark about how these things even started, if you don’t tell the story from the beginning… then whatever you have to say, is really just pointless. And it’s not very efficient.
But yeah… then we all proceeded to a CalSERVE community meeting where the all the senators and all the execs were finally slated. Thanks to all the first years that came out and supported… and ended up staying all 15 hours! You know who you are… and I’ll be forever grateful for that. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t have your presence there. I really truly don’t know. and I'm also sorry for having put you through that...
So it started out ok. All the slated candidates were listed. And then they took nominations… Jason nominated me. Gosh, I am so happy to know that he can really empathize with what I’m going through. Sometimes, I feel like he’s the only one I can turn to about these things nowadays.
So we gave a lil shpeal about ourselves, what communities we are involved in, what it means to represent, and so on and so forth. And then we were asked to leave so that the rest of the CalSERVE community could talk about each of us and figure out what the slate would be. I would REALLY REALLY love to know what was said in there. Like… everything said. I feel that I deserve at least that much.
So some people went in and got additional questions. I got called in twice. WTF… do you realize how sucky it is to be on the hotseat… and do you realize how happy one can be to be off it!!!! But… then you get called on again! OhMyGoodnessGracious! You can really fuck with people that way… it wasn’t fun to be in my place… but then again, when is it ever fun to be in anyone’s place around election time?
Idk… I mean, it’s nice that CalSERVE involved 150 people in process and got community input and the communities decided who they wanted to represent them. and it’s ok that the Filipino community didn’t want me to represent them. but to shut me out… just cuz I’m a filipina, just because I’m a woman, and just because those communities already decided on who they wanted to represent THEM really really bothers me. What about the communities not equally represented at the meeting? What about the communities not traditionally CalSERVE that you’re now trying to cater to? What about those traditional CalSERVE communities that didn’t have someone on the slate????
And who says that you need to be part of that community to care for it and fight for it and help represent it? I mean, isn’t the role of a senator meant to help the whole student body? Just because you’re Filipino, does that mean you can only go to a Filipino senator for help? ANY STUDENT with ANY ISSUE should be able to go to ANY SENATOR and get HELP! Why do I feel so alone in thinking that???? Looking to community bases helps organize things and gives you a direction, but shoot… if you’re only looking out for your community and no other… then WTF is this whole process about. WTF are you there for?? It’s the ASUC. It’s the Association Students. We’re here for EVERYONE!
Ugh… this still bothers me.
….. and then I got called a third time. And Angelo, Camille, and Gustavo were there waiting to break it to me. I can’t even express in words the emotions, the thoughts, the sadness and anger that were coursing through my body… and the numbness. It felt so surreal. How could things have gotten this bad, this quickly? My world, my ambitions, my love for Cal and our student body…. Crushed… crushed by strangers. People who didn’t know me. People who didn’t care to give me a shot. People who didn’t seem to believe in the good I felt I could accomplish in that capacity. And crushed by my community. I thought they’d understand. I was wrong.
So I didn’t get slated. I was angry. And bitter. And tired… but there are more important things. There are other ways to help the movement. There are other options.
And then the exec slate went up. and all hell broke loose. Damn. People can get downright mean, even if they were trying to sugar-coat it. We can read between the lines. I did not feel safe or respected or equal in that space.
In order for someone to rise……… someone must fall.
[FRIDAY 03.12.04] Commisery
the meeting ended around noon. Got back to the dorm around 12:30. did hw. Lots of it. Had a meeting. Rested a bit in 515. had hip-hop and traditional. Saw dad. Went to Jelly’s for Norwin’s birthday.
I needed to release some of this pent-up frustration. Danced. Drank…. Water, soda, etc.(muahahaha… etc. gimme a break ok. I had a hard week).
[MONDAY 03.15.04] So good to see old friends…
after classes, I met up with Peter and Albert. It was so nice to see a familiar face again. He bookshopped and those two decided they wanted to go on a hike so they left and I did some work. We got together for dinner @ Thai House. I met Albert’s girlfriend who is a 2nd year here. Those two are really cute together. Sigh… Albert’s such a keeper! LOL
And yeah… look ma, you’ll be happy to read this: PETER’S NOT COURTING ME! Ahahahahahaaha… oh man. She swears I’m still ga-ga over that boy. Give me some credit. Sheesh.
[TUESDAY 03.16.04] Fashion 4 A Cause
Good fun. Good clothes. Good music. FREE STUFF!
[THURSDAY 03.18.04] EDUCATION IS A RIGHT!
Great demonstration on upper sproul. Chilled in 515. helped with Chris’ VisComm for So-Cal Outreaches.
[FRIDAY 03.17.04] FEC!!!!! I’m in love!
…with the children. With the children. Oy! I’m so glad I went, I’ll probably never get another chance to. Wow… now I see why Vaughn goes so much. They do awesome work there. Hehe, Justin and Aaron, my two lil 6 year old boys (6 right?)… oh my goodness, hugs everywhere. And Camille’s “diamond” shirt! Ahahaha… and that Jolina was giving me like a heartache swinging from that bar… omg! She’s so cute! Haha. I want one! Not now though….
Got back to Berkeley around 6:30, had a crepe, saw annalyn @ yogurt park and yeah… Camille’s hand gestures were…um…. Easy to misinterpret! Haha…
Finished up the posters for VisComm and Chris walked me back. Hadn’t use M.E.S. in a long time… but it was nice to just talk.
Ok… I’m all caught up till spring break. Phew. |
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