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| ok... right now i don't whether the blog is being as effective as i wanted it to be... re-reading some of the old posts... i sound like a boy-crazy idiot... is that me? god i hope not... how i wish that i've grown since middle school... but what if i haven't? what if my life's a lie? a big fat lie... lies upon lies... and fucking masks to cover up more masks to cover up more masks... right about now... i'm wondering why i talk to myself about myself through this thing (rather talk to others through this... but still... idk... it's weird)... ya kno... the worst feeling in the world is to not be able to express yourself... your true self... and ya kno what else... i'm suddenly getting that feeling in my gut that i've never ever really been able to... and it fuckin scares me... you'd think a 17 year old girl could possibly handle that... so where does that leave me? idk... it's not like i can't have a meaningful conversation but i think... i honestly think... that opening myself up to another person to let them see me... the real me... is sooooo hard... i've put up too many facades for too many people... trying to please them or befriend them or help them or whatever... god... am i that superficial? i can't help but think everything i've been doing is exactly what i've been trying not to do... talkin with people these last few days about kairos and other things and yeah... maybe i'm not the best person to be rectora? maybe i'm just lying to myself... thinking i'm mature enough to handle this... when really i'm not too sure about my own self-concept... and i'm not saying kairos is bad or anything... but maybe i didn't really get much out of it... like i thought i did... i'm still pretty much the same person... and i went into it kinda already knowing what was going down cuz of my parents' cursillo stuff... maybe i was just tagging along with the euphoric kairos high... tryin to fit in when girls got all spastic and excited about it... i'm just not that kinda person i suppose... man... i'm more confused now than when i started this blog entry... i think i'll just go to school now... *sigh* |
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posted by Rita at 
