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so, a lot has happened since wednesday... not all of it was as good as the night before (eeeeeeeeee.. lauren). idk. wednesday was pretty crappy actually. lots of up and downs. ups: woke up on time, no traffic, light work load before 11 AM, ice cream, shade, friends. downs: cold cold cold, feeling achy and weak, slowwwwwww work day after morning break, homeless people, guilt.
GUILT SUCKS! it is probably the most horrible feeling in the world. when people say what's true and it's about something you've done that's incorrect or bad or wrong or inappropriate... damn. there are always variations in guilt, but in any case you feel pretty shitty.. and for me, it's not something i can easily get over. and what's worse is that i'm not strong enough to get over it quick enough. in retrospect, i could've.. much faster.. but i didn't and it left me thinking for the rest of the day. i wanted to call people but there was only one line. i wanted to see to if lauren or peter or anyone was online, but jamie was occupying it. i wanted to call becky, but she's at air force. damn. stupid stupid me!!!! and so i went to bed confused, worried, torn. <-- never do that!
i say never do that because your dreams get all trippy!!! (well they do for me.. they scare me. nothing gets resolved. something gets worse. something got worse.) idk... my dreams. my dreams are usually good indicators of where i'm at with certain people or issues or whatever. back in the day, they were pretty freakin accurate! like prophetic in a non-religious way, if that makes sense at all... i might as well describe it:
so it was me and my gang: lauren, becky (yeah yeah.. air force... but it was a dream ok!), megan, veronica, christina, kevin, matt, adam, and will. and then there was peter and jordan and conrad and john (idk why john was there, but he was, for like 2 seconds)... ok so we were all having our beach day. playing frisbee. volleyball. eating ice cream. burying kevin in the sand. building whacked-out sand castles. climbing rocks. running through the waves as they washed in and out. surfing (yeah.. none of us surf in real life). everything was perfect. i loved it. i was having fun. and then things changed: so i guess conrad (our UCSD surfer-to-be and supplier of a surf board) lends it to me and peter. and so we go paddling into the ocean with a most spectacular sunset in view. (and why i'm even out that far away from the shore idk... i don't do swimming.) and we're talking and enjoying each other's company when back on shore i see lisa. and she's waving and we're waving back. and she's calling out something. and i can't quite make it out, but i guess peter can. and so he jumps off the board, flipping it over and me with it. and he starts swimming back to shore and he leaves me in the middle of the ocean with nothing but a surf board to hold on to. and so i'm just chilling there in the middle of the ocean just watching him get back to shore... and him and lisa start talking and then they start making out... like woah! and so i get back on the board and begin paddling back to shore but a huge wave comes from behind me and crashes onto me and the board and i can't get out from under the waves. luckily lauren and becky and megan see what's happened and come to save me, but it's just too late. they manage to get my body back to shore, but they can't revive me. and so my lifeless body is just laying there on the beach. and as my soul leaves my body i look around. i see my friends standing there in disbelief, i see conrad shaking his head, i see jordan comforting lauren, i see becky giving someone the finger (MY FINGER!) and the wrist, and megan shooting out her death stare... they're giving it to peter. who is STILL making out with lisa... and then i see my body on the sand and as i'm getting further and further away from it i see that there's something written there... it says "I LOVE LISA!" and my body makes the exclamation point.
WTF!!!! i was ditched and then died in the same dream! WTF!!!! i woke up at like 3 in the morning in a cold sweat... i mean, yeah it was hot that night. but sheesh! i eventually got back to bed after what seems like 1/2 an hour of trying to get comfortable again, and i wake up again at 6 with all my covers kicked to the foot of my bed. thursday was not ordinary... i just watched movies all day... Maid in Manhattan (ahhhhhhhhhh... i love it! i hate how sappy love stories make me feel... i wanna be in a fairy tale... like cinderella... where's my prince?!? oh.. and the score/soundtrack... can you say: I LOVE NORAH JONES!!!!! omg... her music. her voice. it's just soooooo romantic and sultry and makes me wanna find my MAN!!!!! so i can be with someone who makes me feel that way, too!!! I WANT LOVE SO BADLY!!! i'm pathetic. it makes me wanna cry.) and after that i watched Catch Me If You Can (now that is a great pick-me-up movie! no sappy love line... just a lot of clever lines and foolery and deceit... smart smart man!) and then i watched About Adam (way cute! so far... i just watched half actually. i got a headache... it was actually a bit sad though. the guy "Adam" he was a player.. i hate that. he was going to marry this girl and it seems like he just liked her cuz she was all proactive and planned outings and she controlled him a bit. those two were the fun couple. kiss. hug. talk. kiss. kiss. drive. kiss. sex. kiss. and then there was her sister who adam was seeing on the side!!!! that asshole!!!! she was an intellectual. they both loved poetry and books and she thought he had some hidden tragedy that only she could get him through. and so he saw her to fill that part of him , i suppose. BOYS CAN REALLY SUCK SOMETIMES!!!) and then i watched The Guru (OMG!!!!! stupid stupid movie... funny at times... a bit too over-sexual at times... but wow! idk.. it was ok.. it seems like they were just trying to justify the porno industry.. and then some. whatever.... oh and i did not like how they used that tired old stereotype of the good 'lil catholic school girl gone bad... what is this world coming to!?!?) oh.. and i watched The Pianist (it was alright... the hands though... wow. truly mesmerizing! the WWII/warsaw ghetto plot was soooooooo sad. i can't believe this was someone's life. the filth and the fear. the persecution. it's just terrible. but it's amazing really... such strength and character and talent! wow! survival was really his masterpiece!) thursday was a long day... so i got to sleep relatively early.
friday. FOURTH OF JULY! independence day at home... burgers. movies. food. games. cleaning of course. fireworks. friendster.
join friendster. i need friends... lol... on friendster that is.
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posted by Rita at 
