| and another year goes by... |
{{still in the works}}
2004 has surely been an eventful year. i hope 2005 is even better.
i'm not entirely sure what i want to say in this final entry for the year. there've been many times that i've intended to update and recap and all of that stuff, but i just never seem to get around to it. and so while many thoughts have already escaped me, issues been resolved, and memories sadly forgotten, i do still have things to say. so bear with me.
i can say that 2004 was a year for change. sure, in 2003 i graduated, became an "adult", and entered college, but it was really in 2004 that i realized that gravity of all that. i saw how the changes in the summer of 2003 affected me. it was in 2004 that results came, trials were fought, and newer strengths arose.
in 2004: i was challenged like no other! school is hard! oh man! it's hard!
there were so many time that i doubted my place at berkeley. kids were so competitive. concepts weren't sticking. classes were kicking my butt left and right. but what else can you expect from the best public university in the nation! berkeley wouldn't be what it is if it didn't challenge us, right? and the students that come out of berkeley wouldn't work at the caliber that they do if they weren't being pushed to, right? and i wouldn't be me if i chose the easy way out and didn't push myself to gain the best education there is, right? and berkeley'll give me the best education... which is what it all boils down to. 2004 academically strained and drained me. it caused me to get the worst headaches i've ever felt in my life, intense feelings of despair and confusion, pains of failure and worthlessness, and poorest grades that i've ever received in my entire life... but, knowing that i got through all of that, and am not entirely beat down gives me hope. and that little (and i mean LITTLE) glimmer of hope is all that i have to keep me going. hope that i'll pass the class, to get the degree, to get another one, and another one, to land the job i desire, to provide for the family i intend to have, to affect change in my community, to help others, to be a positive contributor to society, to leave a legacy of good works and perpetual hope for my children and their children and theirs and so on and so forth. hope and trust. trust and work. work and change.
resolution #1 for 2005: hope and trust. trust and work. work and change. be a better student--go to ALL classes. attend office hours frequently. find something within my major that i feel really very passionate about. TRY to get a more comprehensive education (though that might only be able to take effect next fall because my courses for this coming semester are already set).
in 2004: i was deep in all my extracurriculars....... DEEP enough to DROWN in them.
hall ass. paa. pasae. pass. pcn. asuc. and everything else. sometimes i just don't know when to quit. but i can't stay away. something in me would says that i need to stay "involved" in everything. i would DIE without my extracurriculars... ok ok.. i wouldn't DIE. but i'd be so unhappy. i spent a whole semester not dancing! OH MAN! that was the WORST! that hasn't happened since like 3rd grade. i NEED to dance! i really feel that i NEED to do all these things to keep me happy and sane. yeah, it might seem a little insane to be part of all these orgs and take up leadership positions or volunteer all my time... but that's just me. and i don't know if i can sufficiently explain my reasons for academic suicide or extracurricular suicide... but i guess the thing that i've learned to accept about myself is that I TAKE ON A LOT! and THAT WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE.
resolution #2 for 2005: find a balance, but dance more often... oh yeah... did i mention i still wanna be an ASUC senator?? eep.
in 2004: i tested the family boundaries... and lost.
yeah, i'm not sure when i'll figure out how to "cut the umbilical cord" or whether it's even feasible... but i see that now is not the time to test these boundaries... i faced many struggles this year w/ the parents and all that stuff and yeah, a lot of the things i'm facing deal with independence and getting my space and all that stuff college students go through to be more of who they thing they are... but it's pretty futile right now. and i'm really tired of fighting. i just don't have the energy. we had plenty of little squabbles and a few big blowouts... but we're family and all families go through this stuff and i love them and that won't change.
resolution #3 for 2005: find a balance. be more respectful. try harder to "win" my parents over.
in 2004: i saw less and less of my high school friends.
resolution #4 for 2005: do my best to keep the lines of communication open. initiate.
in 2004: i got fat.
resolution #5 for 2005: work out at the gym 3 mornings a week. eat healthier. watch my portions at the DC.
in 2004: i found the greatest love i've ever known.
in january, i closed a chapter of the story that is my love life. i learned to let go, forgive, and deal. i learned to open up, be honest, and take hold of my life. it was a long journey... and i found just what i was looking for in Chris. i love him. i love him so much. he is by far the most wonderful part of my 2004.
resolution #6 for 2005: keep chris! lol... no, i mean, keep our relationship strong and growing. remind him constantly of my love and loyalty and devotion. be that best girlfriend/bestfriend that i can be to him........ but... see less of him during the school days. babe, you know what i'm talking about. we've talked about it before, so hopefully we'll try to keep each other in check, yeah?
like i said... still in the works...
and it's almost new year... i need to put on something red, put change in my pockets, go downstairs into the cold cold cold because all the windows and doors are open, and grab a bell. and then i need to read a book. say a prayer. eat noodles. and yeah... woo hoo for family traditions. haha.
HAPPY 2005, EVERYBODY!
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posted by Rita at 
