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*sigh* i'm really getting sick of people toying with my emotions.... ya kno... sure it can be funny and what not... but for my sake... don't say things that you don't mean... girls are different than guys... and for me at least... things just don't roll off my back... they linger in my mind... and then i'm left to analyze it all... not that it's a bad thing... but really... unnecessary stress... and more so... unwanted stress... i don't need or want it right now... god senior ball's in a month and a half... no dress... no date... (duh! of course) rita probably won't have one till that week anyway... it's probably gonna be a repeat of last year... i don't know why i set my expectations so high... i mean... junior prom was fun with mark and senior ball with him was awesome... but now... i'm a senior... loaded with soooooooooo sooooooooo much other stuff... if i could just get a date i'd be set i'm thinkin... cuz really you could buy a dress that day... but yeah... you need a date early on cuz of transportation and reservations and tickets... idk right now... things are not going the way i want it to go... i used to be real lucky too... but that's goin' down the drain and i don't know why or how or why now? why when everything is coming to a close and i need to be sane more than ever do i feel like i'm slipping and that disaster awaits me at every turn (well not every)... but do you realize just how confused i am and uncertain and on the edge i am right now? lately i've been questioning my actions more than ever... i mean... i've always thought about why i do so so so so so much... where will it get me? why do i do it? if i don't even have a clear concept of my own self then wtf am i doin that's keepin me from self-actualization? what is hindering me from finding my voice? ahhhhhhhh... Work all day for money, fight all night for love. - Zora Neal Hurston <-- that i would say is the goddam aphorism of my life... my whole life... school and studying and service all for what? to get into college... to graduate with a bachelors, then a masters, then a doctorate... to get high paying job... to have money to provide for my family and their needs... and then there's love... aside from the normal daily routine... talking with friends... finding connections... finding someone to share my story with... finding someone i feel comfortable to share my story with... building long-lasting acquaintances... so that one day when i find the "man of my dreams" i'll know who i am... and love myself... and love him... i mean... it's easy to love someone else... but god is it hard to love yourself sometimes... when you can see your flaws that others don't see... when you know what you've done and the thoughts that run through your head that others can never ever ever know about... when all you can do is be yourself, but you're not happy with it... when you see other people, friends, family, whoever, and they exude this confidence and esteem that you wish you could have... and god it's hard to love yourself... i came away from kairos relatively happy... sorted some things in my mind about who i am and what not... but as the days pass by and my kairos seems farther and farther away and the kairos i'm supposed to be leading get closer and closer and closer... i get a sense that it's all a bit fake... for three days (away from the stressfulness of school) you can be free and do what your heart desires and not feel ashamed of it... but then you reenter into the old world... where things are just as hectic as they were before you left... and little by little that "high" tapers off... maybe i'm just a pessimist... i thought i was happy and at that time i was i suppose... but now i'm gettin all insecure again and i don't like that feeling... i like to know that what i'm doing serves a purpose... and i want to feel like i did those 3 days again... open and honest and without a mask... but god... (am i really the boss? or is that just another mask for my tested agressive low self-esteem?) these gosh-darn masks are sufficating me right now... maybe that's the real reason why i wanna go back... to share that feeling with others... and maybe it's a good thing that i give the 4th day talk cuz i've definitely struggled with it... maybe someone there feels the way i'm feeling right now... and is looking for some peace of mind... how i hope so! but i won't know till then and the anticipation is eating away at me... idk... i just want someone to love me for me and not cuz i'm a good student or good cheerleader or good whatever... shit... ritalovesyou.blogspot.com... i see it now... no shit rita loves you... but who loves me? i guess i've never felt fully accepted... and maybe that's where the problem lies? but am i that weak to feel that i've gotta be accepted... cuz i know that i haven't and i've gotten through some tough shit on my own before... why do i feel like everyone is judging me? why can't i feel pure love from other people... i mean... god... my parents don't even hug me anymore... they must think i'm too old for that or something... and i can't help but cry because that's what makes me feel like shit the most... to not sense it tangibly... and i know i'm not a bad person... i'm not... but to be rebuffed and pushed away... geez... i'm gonna go cry some more now cuz i can't read this screen anymore... stupid mascara and eyeliner is running into my eyes... fuck it... i'm out... |
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posted by Rita at 
