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"Always follow your emotions. If-in the uncertainty of the moment-you feel the urge to act in any particular way, do it. You may be embarrassed, made uncomfortable, or otherwise regret your actions. But-so long as you remain loyal to the emotions that compel you--you can't go too far wrong. It is impossible to live life completely without regrets, but if you recognize the validity of your feelings (and if your actions are in concert with them), then your regrets will never be the grievous melancholy of a heart not allowed to express itself."
- peter kelly
i have regrets...
my apologies to tanya for checking my site daily and not postings anything for over a week... life is hectic. i don't really feel like blogging. i feel like sulking... like crawling up in the corner with my blankey and just crying... just balling my eyes out.
it wasn't supposed to end this way...
it could've been perfect and easy and totally chill... but now, it's rushed and it's gonna be awkward. i just know it. it isn't supposed to be like this.
i usually get what i what. that's just how it goes. i remember my lola sol telling me the night i was crowned Miss Hawaii-Pittsburg that i'm the luckiest girl in the world... that i can have anything i work for... that things always have a way of coming out right in my life... that i'm the queen.
she was wrong. so wrong.
this time... i can't have what i want most. no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i've sacrificed and risked and jeopardized, no matter how hard i pray, no matter how hard i rationalize it in my head... it just doesn't seem right or good or fair in the end.
it's ripping at my heart, tearing away at my soul, rattling my mind... a huge part of my life is leaving today. it'll never be the same.
for the first time, i'm spooked about college. i guess he was some kind of security blanket, a thread back into high school, a love that wasn't meant to be... i don't wanna call it a fling. cuz it wasn't... please say it wasn't. ugh...
this is it, i guess... he's the first (with the exception of becky) to actually leave the area for college. i can only wish him the best now and hope he finds what he's looking for at pomona. and for me, life goes on in berkeley.
ugh, my heart hurts. my eyes sting. my fingers shake. (my knee still kills)
i thought i hit my low this summer already (twice... lol.) but this takes the cake.
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows it boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
- "what lips my lips have kissed" edna st. vincent millay
I only know that summer sang in me a little while, that in me sings no more...
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posted by Rita at 
