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ok. so that was more of a recollection of the night's dream in verse. and here i go getting all analytical and psychobabbly again... it's really not good for my health, methinks.. my mental health, that is.
today, i gave up. i gave in. why? oh, i know why... so that i wouldn't need to think about it.. but i still do. i still am. and it kills me.... f***in kills me. i took the chicken-shit way out and let him have it his way. it's pathetic really. what happened to the fire within me? where did the nagging, persistant spirit go? i just looked --NO-- i stared out at my world, this surreal summer, and let it slip away before it was over. once again, i jumped the gun, and where has it gotten me? it's brought me back to the world i didn't like, where i feel helpless and alone. it's sad.
why couldn't i just have said what i felt, what i was really thinking??? instead, i was bland and passive and acquiescent. this bites! this really bites! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS BITES!
"I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't really matter." - Linkin Park
I screamed that on my ride home from work... blasted my stereo and let those lyrics penetrate every fiber of my body. i was so angry... with myself. with him. with this. with the way i decided to handle it (even though it's not what i really wanted to do). i regret it. i never should've said anything. i wasn't thinking clearly. i put up a front that i was becoming ok with the idea, that i agreed. i didn't. i don't. i should've told him that, but i didn't wanna push back cuz it leaves me vulnerable. and while i'm ok with that sometimes.. i don't wanna be vulnerable when it comes to this specifically. and 30 minutes just isn't enough time to talk about things like this. it's like a whole freakin' day thing.. i'm just thinking and thinking and thinking of the things i wanna say, and when i comes to that point where i can, i chicken out. i get weak. it's my own goddam fault.
you're allowed to be selfish sometimes... i wanna be selfish, but i can't bring myself to doing it... if only i didn't think of his interests and feelings and was just a cold-hearted bitch. if only i didn't listen to him and his logic and his reasoning... it's so hard not to though.
I let myself fall. and my proclamation of "NEVER!!!" just 7 hours before was nothing! i didn't help me at all... all conviction left me at 1 PM and in it's place was girly-wussy-ness...
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posted by Rita at 
