| Q: where's this relationship going? |
A: (just what i was thinking)
i didn't want to write a gushy, sappy, lovey-dovey entry on here... again...
... but what the heck.
christopher carlos malixi is the best boyfriend ever. i love him so much. he makes me so happy. he takes care of me. he treats me with so much respect. he is so considerate. he's a good listener. he's funny. he smells HELLA good. OMG! have you ever smelled the boy? *swoon* ok. ok. he makes me smile more than anyone or anything ever has.
he is where my heart is. (well... part of it at least. most of it, actually.)
i am so undeserving of him. he's more than i could've ever asked for.
love makes you do crazy things. say crazy things. feel crazy things. but i'm not crazy in love. i'm like crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy-to-the-infinity in love with him.
i know it's only been 6 months (almost 7, woo!) but i have never felt so deeply for someone/something in my life. and i like this feeling. hope it stays.
for years and years... i wanted a boyfriend for christmas. i wanted someone to love and to love me in return. haha. i know. i know. but i don't need to wish for one anymore. and really... that's all i ever needed. so for this christmas i'm not gonna ask for anything (in particular......... cept maybe an easy bake oven. lol. *inside joke*) because i'm just content with what i've got and who i have in my life. i'm pretty content. |
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| roll on you bears |
hahahahahah!!!
was there ever any doubt?
41-6 CAL! HA! we "slapped" some cardinals today! hehe.
roll on you bears............into pasadena............into a big pile of roses! |
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| nice sayings |
saw this on leo's profile:
"your left hand declares your commitment. you right hand is a declaration of independence. your left hand lives for love. you right hand lives for the moment. you left hand wants to be held. you right hand wants to be held high. women of the world, raise your right hand."
my parent's church wedding anniversary was last week, so we all went out to dinner on saturday.
Fortune cookie says, "Your humor brings romantic opportunities" ... [in bed]
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| lose my breath |
and because i think this is a fun video, i'm posting this.
Video provided by KEKAI BOY
damn they look really good together again.
i miss dancing.
i love this beat.
ah! i just wanna dance again. |
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| so so sweet 6 |
yay! it's been 6 months together as of last thursday. i'm still so so so happy.
i love ya, chris.
ooooo.. and my room is smelling extra sweet. an intoxicating blend of stargazer lily, orchid, and "some tiny purple flower". *dreamy sigh* |
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| uneasy about school |
some thoughts before i got through my second midterm of the day:
-i did feel a lot better this morning. my pounding, nearly blindingly painful headache was "gone". i wasn't too hungry. or tired, really. i felt damn good.
-i walked (no, i strolled) down to VLSB. it was nice. such a clear, crisp morning. it was quiet on campus and i smiled at someone and they smiled back. i thought that was kinda cool.
-i got to VLSB kinda early around 8:55. so i chilled on the steps between it and california hall, and people watched.
-then i got into the lecture hall. found a seat. look through my book one last time for some equations that might be helpful in case i need to substitute something... you usually have to do some kind of trick. and i put it away, and sat there w/ my test, face-down, on my desk.
-and then i flipped it. AH! it was "THE PROBLEM". so i read it, jotted down some notes/directions/stuff i'd memorized and proceeded to do the three others. and then it was 10 o'clock and i wasn't done.
-i was moving really slowly for some reason.
-i'm still not sure how time passed so quickly.
-so i didn't get to finish. and others didn't either. shoot, people were still writing as they turned in their papers! GAH! shady, cheaters!
-so idk what my grade'll be... *fingers crossed* i'm kinda scared. i needed to do well. and i don't think i did well enough. i didn't get to check. so yeah... then my headache came back.
-i think my headaches happen when i'm worried, or stressed, or thinking too much.
-i think i think too much all the time.
-so yeah, the test blew! and then i went to the CalSO office to see if i made it to the next round for counseloring.
-and i did!!!! yay! so i signed up for an interview. *fingers crossed*
-and then i mosied down the block to Crossroads for some food. i felt hungry when i left the test. hmmmm... and i even had a hearty breakfast this morning. but yeah, i ate. mmmmm... hot chocolate. i love warm liquids. they fill me up quite nicely. feeling all warm up in my heart area. it helped to ease a newly surfacing headache.
-then i had E11. it's interesting. there are days when the class just zips by and i'm totally engrossed and i barely look at my watch. but there are other days when it just drags, and my vision gets really blurry, and i feel like my face is going numb.
-i bet my professor notices.
-he actually said some really funny things in class today. i should visit him in office hours.
-oh yeah, re: office hours. if only they fit into my schedule. some do. some don't. and the ones that don't are the ones i need more. sheesh... what a coincidence.
-so i got back to my dorm. grabbed lunch. talked to some people in my class and got the same kind of reaction from it. hey, at least i'm not alone.
-just once: i'd like to leave a math midterm really confident in my performance. note: i like tests with lots of questions that cover everything i'd learned, not the ones that only cover like 2 (of the 9) that the chapter taught.
-ok. and now... what am i doing now? e28 reviewing
-i need to do really well on this one.
so i'm gonna go.
1 hour till it starts.
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| too many tears have been shed. |
sometimes i wonder: what's the point?
some mindless ranting:
i don't have the time for this reflective shit. but i need to make time for it. to let it out. let it flow. let it move. move away from me. move away from the me that it's slowly eating away at. eating away at little. little because i don't have much in me. i don't have much of a fight left in me. i am drained.
i remember this really charismatic dude speaking at santa clara. an admissions person, actually. and he said something kinda cool. he said that they weren't looking for high school students to be collapsing on their doorstep. they weren't looking for kids who were burned out.
sucks for berkeley. they got me. burned out.
but i try. i try not to suck. not to fail. to just get by. because i'm no genius. i have no exceptional strengths. i am ordinary here. just plain-jane ordinary.
but what's wrong with that?
nothing, right?
wrong.
wrong because i'm not owning up to what my parents are paying. i'm not getting that 4.0. i'm not getting the "education" that is being spent on me. too bad it's the best one i could get for that "cheap".
"cheap"
it's not cheap.
schooling is too expensive.
if schooling were less expensive and if schooling were at the same quality as it is here or any other "top" university... the world would be better i think. people would come out more equip for the real world. people would hopefully learn. learn book stuff. learn street stuff. learn world stuff.
i can't believe they only sent me here for book stuff.
i'm really actually a little ashamed to say that.
berkeley. the top public university in the nation. and i'm just here for book stuff. what an injustice.
how can i not be expected to "get involved". how can i not be expected to try to find "my niche" amongst the tens of thousands of students here. sorry i tried to make berkeley small, make berkeley mine... i should've known better.
you can't have both.
it's either one or the other.
hope is lost. because those are the fucking cards i've been handed. and those are the cards i must play.
so this will be my last year with the kind of involvement i thrive on. with the community i've grown to love. with everything that has made me happy, kept me sane, or away from "bad, immoral, corrupting" things.
so that's that. it has been decided. decided by me? eh. kinda.
decided FOR me? fo shizzle.
was this the plan all along? yes.
was this MY plan all along? hell no.
(gosh... i hope things change. like they have before. but i just don't know this time.)
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posted by Rita at 
um....yeah...that's more like it.
