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WHAT IS LOVE? 2/14/2002
Love is a slow kiss goodnight.
It's anticipation.
Love is flirting outrageously and still remembering that the person at your side is not obligated to do anything.
It's respect.
Love is an imperfection in yourself not bothering you.
It's acceptance.
Love is passing up an opportunity because the time isn't right yet.
It's patience.
Love is a back massage that starts above the hairline and ends around the insoles.
It's exploration.
Love is not having to say "Let's make love," because you know what the other person wants.
It's understanding.
Love is being given an honest chance to say no when you thought you were committed.
It's consideration.
Love is both of you remembering protection.
It's responsibility.
Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles.
It's humor.
Love is being told "Stop and I'll kill you".
It's desire.
Love is seeing what your lover really looks like for the first time.
It's truth.
Love is knowing what time it is and not caring.
It's joy.
Love is the arms around you tightening their embrace.
It's ecstasy.
Love is seeing a new side of a person you thought you knew.
It's renewal.
Love is telling a person if you have to leave, you will let them sleep, and being told they would rather be woken.
It's tenderness.
Love is waking up to find the subject of the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder.
It's where fantasy meets reality.
Love is being there to wake your lover. Slowly.
It's sensuousness.
Love is belatedly knowing why you bothered to buy a queen-sized bed three years ago.
It's practicality.
Love is two people only taking up a third of a queen-sized bed.
It's closeness.
Love is knowing you gave the extra set of keys to your apartment to the right person.
It's trust.
Love is saying good-bye and knowing you will be back by mutual consent.
It's faith.
Love is stretching your arms and discovering the real meaning of the word "sore".
It's a lesson in human frailty.
Love is sitting at the window, looking out and remembering who you were with the night before.
It's reflection.
Love is hearing the weather forecast for a winter storm and wishing you could spend it in bed with your lover.
It's loneliness.
Love is stories that will never be told
It's personal.
... why do i do this to myself??
it's interesting when you find things you wrote down sooooo long ago. sheesh.
anyways.. i'm home for the weekend. what to do? what to do? 3-days... someone call me up. |
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| new layout... that's all for now. |
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so my comp has better viewing capabilities than the one at home.. i can watch music videos and shtuff on here.. so i'm watchin some assortment of songs.. idk what comes next.. and this one comes on after senorita by Justin Timberlake... might have something to do with the music awards... peter was right, it is a good video.. incredibly powerful and yeah... (i can't really write right now)
unfortunately, it doesn't help me in any way, shape, or form... kinda adds to the sinking feeling i'm experiencing right now...
Hurt - Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way |
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word to the wise: You can't build a reputation on what you intend to do. - gossip columnist Liz Smith
... some people do a lot of talking and can't seem to back it up. this leaves people who kinda depend on these things in a helpless state. like they're just waiting and waiting.. but someone's just too lazy to get it done!
Memories of last week: of lauren and me and jordan chillin outside of coldstone's for an hour and a half waiting for who else... "I'm dying of death..."
... like i said, some people are just lazy...
I despise lethargy!
... see a pattern here?
I'm really angry right now. super bitter. feeling tossed aside and not cared for. with NO ONE to turn to... NO ONE! got that: NO ONE!
...help...
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being nice really gets you nowhere!!!!!!!
people need to learn some phone etiquette! |
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aw man... i'm loving my classes at berkeley...
fun moments during calc lecture with professor Wu:
~ i like to talk sports during lecture.. who like's baseball? hmm.. what about basketball? ok. what other sports are there? ah, football? ok.... haha fooze-ball's not a sport.
~ on refreshing our trig skills: "how many of you have seen spring training and all the players doing there contortions on the field? well, they are exercising their little muscles so they are ready for the big action."
~ looks like i made another mistake at home.. just forget that problem.
~ 482... 432... close enough.
~ and the kid that sat 4 rows in front of me and 3 seats to the left had on a cap "Jesus is my homeboy"
awwww man! Wu's tiiiiiight.. but the GSI. yuck! i don't like him! he called on me TWICE!!!! even though there were like 30 kids in the room... 5 people answered questions/went up to the board to solve problems... he called on me TWICE!!!! what the heck! something's not right here! he just put the chalk in my face and said "you do the next one".. and what am i supposed to say.. "um, how bout the girl next to me.. she's not in a skirt. i bet she'll be able to get up without a problem!" sheesh!!!!
anyways! chem class was super tight... i still get a kick out of the rotating boards/lecture area! more things were blown up and lit and wow.. lovin' it.
ok... i've got 20 minutes till intro to civil engineering starts... this better be a good class. *fingers crossed*
oooo.. and yesterday's lecture in my english bible as literature couse with prof. goldsmith was really stimulating. i got all caught up in the stories and the history and the languages and everything!!! i'm glad i signed up for that! |
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"Always follow your emotions. If-in the uncertainty of the moment-you feel the urge to act in any particular way, do it. You may be embarrassed, made uncomfortable, or otherwise regret your actions. But-so long as you remain loyal to the emotions that compel you--you can't go too far wrong. It is impossible to live life completely without regrets, but if you recognize the validity of your feelings (and if your actions are in concert with them), then your regrets will never be the grievous melancholy of a heart not allowed to express itself."
- peter kelly
i have regrets...
my apologies to tanya for checking my site daily and not postings anything for over a week... life is hectic. i don't really feel like blogging. i feel like sulking... like crawling up in the corner with my blankey and just crying... just balling my eyes out.
it wasn't supposed to end this way...
it could've been perfect and easy and totally chill... but now, it's rushed and it's gonna be awkward. i just know it. it isn't supposed to be like this.
i usually get what i what. that's just how it goes. i remember my lola sol telling me the night i was crowned Miss Hawaii-Pittsburg that i'm the luckiest girl in the world... that i can have anything i work for... that things always have a way of coming out right in my life... that i'm the queen.
she was wrong. so wrong.
this time... i can't have what i want most. no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i've sacrificed and risked and jeopardized, no matter how hard i pray, no matter how hard i rationalize it in my head... it just doesn't seem right or good or fair in the end.
it's ripping at my heart, tearing away at my soul, rattling my mind... a huge part of my life is leaving today. it'll never be the same.
for the first time, i'm spooked about college. i guess he was some kind of security blanket, a thread back into high school, a love that wasn't meant to be... i don't wanna call it a fling. cuz it wasn't... please say it wasn't. ugh...
this is it, i guess... he's the first (with the exception of becky) to actually leave the area for college. i can only wish him the best now and hope he finds what he's looking for at pomona. and for me, life goes on in berkeley.
ugh, my heart hurts. my eyes sting. my fingers shake. (my knee still kills)
i thought i hit my low this summer already (twice... lol.) but this takes the cake.
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows it boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
- "what lips my lips have kissed" edna st. vincent millay
I only know that summer sang in me a little while, that in me sings no more...
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it really blows my mind to think that everything i've been thinking about (blogging about) for the past few days.. all the non-here's-how-my-day-went things all seem to be rearing their ugly heads heads now... not in my mind anymore... this is the real deal:
all that talk about silence, of memories and first loves, of happiness, of searching for my passion, of true friends, of feeling, of the effects people have on eachother, of truth... of change.
it's all happening now. i need to follow my own advise, follow what my heart wants and not what my brain twists and manipulates into logic and reasoning and "truth".
why is it that every year my body's gotta work against me!! last year it was physical.. this year it's emotional.. next year it'll probably be mental! great! just what i need during my college years! a mental break down!
Follow Through - Gavin DeGraw
Oh, this is the start of something good
Don’t you agree?
I haven’t felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet
So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it
You’re so hypnotic on my heart
So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
The words you say to me are unlike anything
That’s ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything
That’s ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it
You’re so hypnotic on my heart
So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You’re gonna have to follow
Oh, this is the start of something good
Don’t you agree?
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No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.
no shit! i want to work and i'm just not ready to make that choice yet...
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ok. so that was more of a recollection of the night's dream in verse. and here i go getting all analytical and psychobabbly again... it's really not good for my health, methinks.. my mental health, that is.
today, i gave up. i gave in. why? oh, i know why... so that i wouldn't need to think about it.. but i still do. i still am. and it kills me.... f***in kills me. i took the chicken-shit way out and let him have it his way. it's pathetic really. what happened to the fire within me? where did the nagging, persistant spirit go? i just looked --NO-- i stared out at my world, this surreal summer, and let it slip away before it was over. once again, i jumped the gun, and where has it gotten me? it's brought me back to the world i didn't like, where i feel helpless and alone. it's sad.
why couldn't i just have said what i felt, what i was really thinking??? instead, i was bland and passive and acquiescent. this bites! this really bites! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS BITES!
"I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't really matter." - Linkin Park
I screamed that on my ride home from work... blasted my stereo and let those lyrics penetrate every fiber of my body. i was so angry... with myself. with him. with this. with the way i decided to handle it (even though it's not what i really wanted to do). i regret it. i never should've said anything. i wasn't thinking clearly. i put up a front that i was becoming ok with the idea, that i agreed. i didn't. i don't. i should've told him that, but i didn't wanna push back cuz it leaves me vulnerable. and while i'm ok with that sometimes.. i don't wanna be vulnerable when it comes to this specifically. and 30 minutes just isn't enough time to talk about things like this. it's like a whole freakin' day thing.. i'm just thinking and thinking and thinking of the things i wanna say, and when i comes to that point where i can, i chicken out. i get weak. it's my own goddam fault.
you're allowed to be selfish sometimes... i wanna be selfish, but i can't bring myself to doing it... if only i didn't think of his interests and feelings and was just a cold-hearted bitch. if only i didn't listen to him and his logic and his reasoning... it's so hard not to though.
I let myself fall. and my proclamation of "NEVER!!!" just 7 hours before was nothing! i didn't help me at all... all conviction left me at 1 PM and in it's place was girly-wussy-ness...
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untitled - 8/12/03
the blood red realm
the earth, the sky, the horizon,
all glow crimson like hellfire
i see the red world from behind the steel bars
the chains that keep me bound to the cage
and the sharp blades that hold me in place
torment me, slashing me
the only comfort i get is the cool feel of my own blood
trickling down my beaten face
and as i stare out the holes
generously put in my grizzly cage
i see the angel, crying in such fear
i see the demon, with his pitchfork aflame
and as they soar through the dark red skies
i`m forced to watch--that`s all
there`s nothing i can do, can`t even move
yet i still struggle with the hope of freeing myself
and destroying the demon with my bare, bloody hands
as i squirm and try
i hear her scream, the voice that should be happily singing
and the demon, making unearthly cries
swatting her out of the air, and letting her fall
i hear a harrowing shriek of helplessness
and realize it came from mine own
just before the angel falls to the crimsoned floor
the demon turned to me, and in his haunting voice
he asks me, "why did you let her fall?"
and in the instant i awoke from my nightmare,
in the first few seconds between dream and reality,
i sympathize with the devil`s question and ask myself,
"have you given up already?"
and to this i penetrate the dream barrier with harsh wake up call
as i shout at the top of my lungs, "NEVER!!!"
lying on my bed, in the stillness of the balmy night,
instead of blood, i am drenched in cold sweat
looking outside, i see the nightmare is over, yet...
the red world remains. |
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Life is dukkha. <-- look familiar!
gaaaaah! ultra-upsetting day... talked to lauren and adam carter a bit about it... nice venting sessions. *frustrated sigh* ugh. |
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c/o rick: thanks for the pic from jr. prom (april 2002)... lol. he caught me and sarah off-guard.
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| ahhhh! why aren't you posting!!! |
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Countdown to college: 11 days!
"When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change......only then will you do something different"
Embarking on a new life sounds so exciting, but what about my old one... this one. Last night I laid in my bed, thinking about everything I'm leaving behind (sorta). My big bed. My soft comforter. My pictures. My books. My flowers and trinkets and what-nots.
But all this is nothing compared to the family and friends I have to leave. My people who are always there when times are tough, the men and women who were there when I moved, when I cried, when i laugh and celebrated, when I was scared, when I was needing. The people who helped me financially, emotionally, hell physically. I will miss them all so much, for I am not Rita without them. Making that list and saying goodbye to everyone is way harder than letting go of all the material stuff, coz I can replace the material things but not them. I won't ever have them come around unexpectedly expecting to be fed, and late hours on the phone where telephone bills and time dont exist.
What drives us? What makes us strong? What enables us to do the unexpected, what motivates us? What does it take to show us life must be lived for every moment? What is it that inspires me to move forward? What sublime abnormality, utter psychotic behaviour could this be? BUT then again.....
I have to go, I need to be brave, I need to evolve, make the move, take the risk, and bridge the gap between my youth and my adulthood. I can do this, nothing will stop me, for I love this and I will take this opportunity to better myself. I LOVE THIS, that was all I needed to say to myself and the pain is gone, the sadness fades, and I am once again brave, excited, and ready! I am READY!
"You are where you are because you want to be there. If you want to be somewhere else, you will need to change." |
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Is honesty truly the best policy? Aren`t there times when its not? The angel on your right would tell you that there`s never a time to lie, but the devil may tell you otherwise. Is with-holding information lying? Asking yourself, well this person never asked me about this chunk of my life so I will pretend like nothing happened OR say nothing `til its brought up. Does honesty always translate into morality?
*****
Effect. When someone says to you, "you have had a great effect upon my life." How are you supposed to take that, most of the time when people say that to me. I want to ask, "prove it." I don`t know why I think up stupid, scientific things like that. I just do. (Always blame your inner scientist, they can`t fight back or at least can`t hit back.) I think that it stems from an innate need to know that people aren`t lying to me. But, for someone to tell you that you have touched their life in some way is fathoms away from what I have always thought of myself. So I say, "thank you." I guess its better to thank someone for making such a statement of grandeur than asking them for proof.
*****
I know that I take a lot for granted. Everything from clean drinking water to having enough to eat. Here I gripe day in and day out about how life can be unfair, or I talk about life`s little trivialities. I`ve been trying to put things into perspective, and I realized that my ability to exercise all five senses (including the 6th somtimes. lol. lauren!) is a gift and that I shouldn`t neglect that. My ability to go from one place to another without being harrassed by men because I am not covered head to toe is another. My ability to express myself without fear of torture or death. My ability to choose who I want to love, instead of having it arranged for me. My ability to choose alone, that is what divides me from someone who has less. That alone really strikes a chord deep within me. I can choose. And other women, men and children cannot.They have no choice because their government mishandles funds and redirects it to their own pockets or to buy weapons. They live in poverty and do not have access to education. They have to sell their bodies to get by, because their virginity and their bodies are commodities. That men, women and children have to work themselves to the bone to earn even a dollar. Though I am only but one small voice, I hope that this motivates you a little to lookaround you and see the world, not the world that is presented by CNN or in the travel magazines. But, to take a hard look at the world around you. It's time to take off those rose-colored glasses, because the world's really not as rosy as you thought it was, huh?
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countdown to college: 14 days
man oh man oh man... i start college in two weeks!!!! i'm soooooooo excited!!!!
so today, i brought jamie to target to buy some gifts for nini and elexis. wow. i love target! browsing the gifts section/picture frames/dorm & room accessories section gave me such a rush. yes, sounds kinda cooky... but i felt like a lil kid in a candy store. i want that and that and oooo.. THAT! shopping just brings out the kid in me i guess. if only i had the cash to back my dorm room fantasies up... whew.
...which leads me to my next thought (kinda)...
so i'm at the check-out line at target and i'm looking at those $9.99 DVDs placed right before the register and there it is.. one of my favorite movies of all time: Dirty Dancing *dreamy sigh* mmmmm... and then later today when i drove to safeway, "hungry eyes" came on the radio and *click* i'm transported back to Dirty Dancing. I know that its super girly to love that movie, but I can`t help it. There`s nothing that I love more than 80`s nostalgia films, Ferris Beuller`s Day Off, Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, those are the kinds of movies that take me back in time when I was still jumping around in my pajamas wondering what life would be like when I was a teenager in highschool. But, my favorite by far is Dirty Dancing. I used to fantasize that I would be whisked off to a summer resort like the one that Baby`s family went to and get swept off my feet by a straight, Patrick Swayze-esque dance instructor who wanted to mambo with me. Jennifer Grey played Baby perfectly to a tee, she was awkward, klutzy, said stupid things ("I carried a watermelon!), was naive, moral, and had a quiet beauty about her. Sure she wasn`t perfect but she was more than enough to land the sweet and incredibly hot (I was young, forgive me) guy who had rhythm. Which brings me around to this question, why do people strive so hard for perfection when its actually the flaws that seem attract the leading woman/man?
Songs of the day: Eric Carmen - Hungry Eyes, Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes - Time of My Life (because I love that last dance number of her leaping off the stage into his arms), or Patrick Swayze - She`s Like the Wind
note to self: i've got 2 more weeks of vacation. must develop grad night pictures ASAP! *big grin* |
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Something to think about: I can close my eyes to the things I don`t want to see, but I can`t close my heart to the things I don`t want to feel.
*sigh* it's been a long time since i've felt peace... and right now, i'm welcoming it gladly. i never had a break after graduation. i didn't have that laid-back, totally chilled summer. ya know.. like right after grad, i got the job at the law firm, then the grad parties, jamie's confirmation, my grad party, working, CalSO, cesca's cotillion, miss hawaii-pittsburg (ticket sales, ad solicitations, dress hunting!), family coming by and staying here every other week... it's been hectic. and on top of that was all the berkeley stuff (signing up for classes, medical forms, dorm necessity shopping, setting up accounts, finding out who our roomies are)... but now, all that is behind me. everything's done! so it's time to coast for 2 more weeks till i move in... starting college is all that's really left of my summer, event-wise, i guess. i have a sense of closure with that i suppose...
...but what don't know that i'll have closure with when the school year starts is my relationship with my friends. and i don't think i want closure... i think that's the last thing i want closure with. after 18 years of life, i can truthfully say that i have FRIENDS.. like real friends, not just acquaintances.. these are the people i've confided in with my deepest secrets and insecurities. the ones i sought out for advise, for laughs, for fun, for comfort. the ones who know me and who love me, not despite of my girliness or idiosyncracies or whatever, they love me BECAUSE of it... i call these people my real friends even if they may not think so.. at some time in my life, they've pulled me through... whether they know it or not. and even if we've had rough times, or fallen out of touch, or don't kick it in the same group anymore, the memories are still there, the way they make me feel is still there, and the knowledge that they are always straight with me and not fake or just lookin to make me happy is something i value. i mean, sure it's nice for your ego when people flatter you or suck up to you or are especially nice and accomodating, but then you start to think "why?", "what do they want?" and then those people just get annoying. my friends aren't annoying. (thank god) they're sweet and intelligent and just the best people i know. you people know who you are.. (and if you come up to me and ask, i'll probably slap your arm and say "what the heck!" and laugh in your face...) I love you! you know that. |
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Countdown to college: 15 days...
"memories light the corners of my mind. misty water-colored memories... of the way we were" sigh. oh, memories. so sweet. so so sweet. eeeeeeeeeeee (lauren knows!)
+ "RSTR"/uncle tony days: aw man! those were the days! messing around at uncle tony's... attacking eachother in the pool... fighting over the hammock... dueling with pool sticks... "mooning" eachother (actually, that was just cito.. *MY VIRGIN EYES!* ahhhh..) singing karaoke (papa don't preach! it's a classic..) eating and eating and eating (mmm. ninang aida's raspberry iced-tea. good stuff)
sigh... those were the days. pure fun! although, the jokes.. well, those weren't always very pure... ya know what i mean RST- LOL!
+ more memories to come... mmmm.. childhood's a passin'me by..
mmmmm... feelin' those warm fuzzies...
Color Everywhere - Youth Asylum
Use to seeing black and white
Never any in between
Waiting on the love of my life
To come into my dreams
Everything in shades of gray
Never any blues or greens
Needed someone else to turn to
Someone who can help me learn to see
All the beauty that was waiting for me
You put the blue back in the sky
You put the rainbow in my eyes
A silver lining in my prayers
And now there’s color everywhere
You put the red back in the rose
Just when I needed it the most
You came along to show you care
And now there’s color everywhere
My life is so predictable
Never any mystery
But ever since you shined the light
All of that history
But now I have a hand to hold
And a reason to believe, yeah
There’s someone in my life worth living for
I was hanging around just wishing on a star
To put the happiness back in my heart
You put the blue back in the sky
You put the rainbow in my life
A silver lining in my prayers
And now there’s color everywhere
You put the red back in the rose
Just when I needed it the most
You came along to show you care
And now there’s color everywhere
A silver lining in my prayers
And now there’s color everywhere
Left those hazy days behind me
Never to return again
Now they're just a faded memory
Cause baby its all so clear to see
The beauty that is waiting there for me
You put the blue back in the sky
You put the rainbow in my eyes
A silver lining in my prayers
And now there’s color everywhere
You put the red back in the rose
Just when I needed it the most
You came along to show you care
And now there’s color everywhere
A silver lining in my prayers
And now there’s color everywhere
You came along to show me you care
And now there’s color everywhere
Now I have a hand to hold
And a reason to believe |
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posted by Rita at 
