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hmmmmmmmm... today was a relatively stress-free day (cept for the 2 hour "every 15 minutes" assembly).. i thought it was very well done... and colby... wow... that little kid's got incredible strength... much respect... anyway... today was great... one of my best days in awhile... no real hw... just more speech writing... i really changed my valedictorian speech today... i'm not sure if it's for the better or not... and if i'm not sure... then woah... that can't be a good sign... hmmmmmmmm... i need time to meditate on that... perhaps i need a roshi! lol... it's weird how school terminology sneaks up on you... like today in physics (CATCH PHRASE ROCKS!!!!)... we used physics and government terms during the game... it was awesome! heating "curve", "pendelum", "beauty contest"... wow! i think we deserve an A for the day!
ok... it feels like when i'm full of stress and anger and pain... i write better... well not better... but things flow out easier.. that's a trip! i mean... now that i'm in a happy mood.. i don't even know how to express it fully... ahhhhhhhhhh... the limitations of the computer age!
anyways... *sigh* i'm a sophomore all over again with junior issues! hahaha... my old diaries are soooooooooo funny and sooooooooooo what i'm feeling all over again!!! wow... |
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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... i love oldies!!! or at least the ones i'm posting here today! I should burn a new cd soon? got any suggestions?
It's In His Kiss by Cher *revival*
Does he love me, I wanna know,
how can I tell if he loves me so?
(Is it in his eyes)
oh no you'll be deceived
(is it in his sighs)
oh no he'll make believe.
If you wanna know
(shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop)
if he loves you so
it's in his kiss
(that's where it is.... oh yeah!)
(Or is it in his face)
oh no it's just his charms
(in his warm embrace)
oh no that's just his arms.
If you wanna know
(shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop)
if he loves you so
it's in his kiss
(that's where it is)
woh-oh, it's in his kiss
(that's where it is).
Woh-oh-oh kiss him..... and squeeze him tight
and find out what you want to know.
If it's love if it really is....it's there in his kiss.
(How 'bout the way he acts)
oh no that's not the way
and you're not listening to all I say.
If you wanna know
(shoop shoop shoop shoop
shoop shoop shoop shoop)
if he loves you so
it's in his kiss
(that's where it is)
woh-oh, it's in his kiss
(that's where it is)
Woh-oh-oh kiss him..... and squeeze him tight
and find out what you want to know.
If it's love if it really is....it's there in his kiss.
(How 'bout the way he acts)
oh no that's not the way
and you're not listening to all I say.
If you wanna know
(shoop shoop shoop shoop
shoop shoop shoop shoop)
if he loves you so
it's in his kiss
(that's where it is)
woh-oh, it's in his kiss
(that's where it is)
Oh yeah it's in his kiss (that's where it is),
ooh it's in his kiss (that's where it is),
ooh it's in his kiss (that's where it is),
ooh it's in his kiss (that's where it is),
ooh it's in his kiss (that's where it is),
ooh it's in his kiss (that's where it is),
ooh it's in his kiss (that's where it is),
ooh it's in his kiss (that's where it is).
Ain't No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Listen, baby
Ain't no mountain high
Ain't no vally low
Ain't no river wide enough, baby
If you need me, call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry
'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Remember the day
I set you free
I told you
You could always count on me
From that day on I made a vow
I'll be there when you want me
Some way,some how
'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
No wind, no rain
My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart
If you ever need a helping hand
I'll be there on the double
As fast as I can
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
Ribbon In The Sky by Stevie Wonder
Oh so long for this night I prayed
That a star would guide you my way
To share with me this special day
Where a ribbon's in the sky for our love
If allowed may I touch your hand
And if pleased may I once again
So that you too will understand
There's a ribbon in the sky for our love
Do...Do...
Do Do Do Do Do...
HMM HMM...
This is not a coincidence
And far more than a lucky chance
But what is that was always meant
Is our ribbon in the sky for our love, love
We can't lose with God on our side
We'll find strength in each tear we cry
From now on it will be you and I
And our ribbon in the sky
Ribbon in the sky
A ribbon in the sky for our love
Do...Do...
Do Do Do Do Do...
HMM HMM...
There's a ribbon in the sky for our love
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For Lauren (our love life's D.O.A!!!!!) lol!
I'll Be There for You by The Rembrandts
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year, but...
I'll be there for you...
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you...
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you...
'Cause you're there for me too.
You're still in bed at ten, though work begins at eight,
You burned your breakfast, so far things are going great,
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell you
when the world was brought down to your knees
that...
I'll be there for you...
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you...
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you...
'Cause you're there for me too.
No one could ever know me. No one could ever see me.
Seems your the only one who knows what it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with.
Make it through all the mess with.
Someone I'll always laugh with.
Even at my worst, I'm best with....
you - yeah
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year, but...
I'll be there for you...
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you...
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you...
'Cause you're there for me too...
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For Becky (lol... and your situation!!!) aka "my locker buddy!!!"
One Fine Day by The Chiffons
One fine day
You'll look at me
And you will know our love was
Meant to be
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl
The arms I long for
Will open wide
And you'll be proud to have me
By your side
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl
Though I know you're the
Kind of boy
Who only wants to run around
I'll keep waiting and
Someday darling
You'll come to me when you want to settle down oh
One fine day
We'll meet once more
And then you'll want the love you
Threw away before
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl
One fine day
We'll meet once more
And then you'll want the love you
Threw away before
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl |
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This is goin out to all my Physics girls!!!! (BECKY n LAUREN)
Build Me Up Buttercup by Foundations
Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then (bah-dah-dah)
I went to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
You were my toy but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know (bah-dah-dah)
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
I-I-I need you-oo-oo more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart |
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ok... she's doing it again.. get this... this morning she starts rambling about her college issues again.. and i'm trying to get to my seat so i can put my heavy backpack down... and she full on stops me and says, "hey, you can have the privilege to hear me out too!" DEAR GOD!!!!! ok... i would have seriously bitched her out at that point but a certain teacher was in the room (where i need my grade to go much much higher!) so i had to restrain it..... AHHHHHHHHHHHH... not cool... not cool at ALL! (and damn... if you still dunno who or what i'm talking about... here's a recap of an earlier blog from NOVEMBER 2002... see it's an old problem! *sigh* Problem 1: the "center-of-attention" friend: Ok.. so i have this friend... n it seems to me like she needs to be the center-of-attention at all times for the most part... n it gets annoying cuz u either have to agree with her opinions or u get the look and the lecture... blah blah blah... i dunno what to do... i mean she's one of my best friends but things are coming to the point that i don't wanna have to put up with it anymore... well... let's just say that she has a knack for turning your problems/situations/drama/expectations/ideas into versions of her own and then going of from there with it... n then you won't get another word in... and it's kinda hard cuz she tends to monopolize the conversation and seems to need that attention... she thrives on it i think... i'm not trying to be overly critical or anything... but i just don't feel like this situation within our little group of friends is too healthy... i mean i love em all... n maybe it's ONLY my opinion, not that of all my other friends... but it's really getting to me... and it shouldn't... so what should i do?)
so... you know how they say that if you don't learn from your past... you're doomed to repeat it! well... I BELIEVE IT!!! last night i found an old diary of mine from sophomore year (ya ya... so it's not THAT old...) same boy problems (different boys with similar personalities involved).. same family problems (same people who's perceptions of me haven't changed are involved)... same friend problems (different friends with similar attitudes involved)!!! it's a vicious cycle... and looking back at the way i wrote in this journals.. it's really (freakishly) alike! i still use the "..."s and the "!!!!" and the "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and yeah... i used to quote songs in the middle of my passages too... weirdo! haha... THE SAVE THE LAST DANCE SOUNDTRACK!!! i was bumpin that back in the day... i think i've lost it tho... bummer! anyways... it's interesting to see how infatuated i once was... IT'S SCARY! well.. i wasn't exactly infatuated... just exteremely impressed and in awe. and how could i forget! THE MISINTERPRETATIONS!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh... everywhere... not everywhere... but wow... i was sooooooo naive back then! WOW! ya know when you read something so funny that you're laughing and crying at the same time... well ya... that was me last night! i can't believe it! it's just CRAZY! i kinda wish i could draw pictures in my blog like in a regular diary... pictures... scribbles... hearts... music... stars... skulls n cross-bones (lol)... happy faces... sad faces... i mean... i'd like to spruce this post up with colored gel pens and glitter and drawings... that'd be tight... lol... the apparent limitations to a blog! lol DUHHKA!!!!
finally... another vicious cycle... i was just thinking about me now.. and me last march/april... the parallels are INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!! struggling in science and history... liking boys... looking for ball/prom dates... and dresses... dealing with family shit... getting ready to travel... opening up to people... going on retreat... incredible responsibilities... it's just weird that it seems like i'm repeating the motions of my junior year... idk... maybe it's a stretch... but it's just weird to see all this now! |
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| MY PARENTS WANT ME TO GO TO UC DAVIS!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... I WANT BERKELEY!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish money weren't an issue... but the sad truth is that it is... |
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| wow... i'm sooooooooo pissed off right now... to think... someone had the audacity to hack into my blog (my DIARY!) and insert posts under my name and under my friend's name after they tried to fix the problem the first time around...THE NERVE!!!! i can't believe it! actually ya i can! JAMIE!!!!!!!!!!! I changed my password... HA! |
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| this is so cool...i'm writing on rita's blog page! i'm officially not completely stupid at computers anymore!!! (this is lauren, for those of you out there who are wondering...doing a little emergency editing). HI RITA!!! HI RITA' S FRIENDS!! |
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| phew... no UCLA today... got bumped back to the 31st! |
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ahhhhhhhhh... UCLA just called... interview for scholarship on sat. at 11 AM at Bishop Ranch... EEK!!!! WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I SAY? WHAT WILL I WEAR? YUCK... MY SPEAKING SKILLS SUCK! NOOOOOOOOO... WHAT DO I DO? *whimper* i'm not too good at this stuff... i'm a bit scared right now!!!
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| am i affectionate? or am i a lil "ice princess"? |
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| HMMMMMMM... i know... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... ok... phew... i feel better! |
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ahhhhhhhhhh... my angst... from last week or so i so perfectly captured in this piece of poetry... if only i'd found it SOONER!!! i'm over that little bump in the road... but i wanna get this on my blog just in case i revert back to my pissy self...
Wasting time....
It doesn't matter if he is exactly what you want
(He's not ready to want you)
Don't count that he makes your heart pound
(He's not pounding on your door)
Or explain he is just afraid of love
(He isn't loving you)
Expensive vigil.
Clocks are ticking
through months of yearning,
while somewhere,
someone
is searching furiously for you,
dreaming of you,
hungering for you,
waiting for you,
to be free.
I'm really feeling this poem by Corinne Wholeness from the book Reflections From A Woman Alone...
well yeah... i was last week... but phew... GOOD S#!T... |
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WORD OF THE DAY: effusion: an unrestrained expression of emotion
ahhhhhh... why are peter's away messages always right... i should just stop reading them lol!
"Always follow your emotions. If-in the uncertainty of the moment-you feel the urge to act in any particular way, do it. You may be embarrassed, made uncomfortable, or otherwise regret your actions. But-so long as you remain loyal to the emotions that compel you--you can't go too far wrong. It is impossible to live life completely without regrets, but if you recognize the validity of your feelings (and if your actions are in concert with them), then your regrets will never be the grievous melancholy of a heart not allowed to express itself."
he knows too much... |
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| i think i'm gonna change my layout... new school quarter... new look? |
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| NEWSFLASH: I GOT INTO DAVIS!!!!! now... i'm just waiting to hear from BERKELEY!!!! phew.... 2 weeks of prep for nationals and then valedictorian and then i wanna hear about berkeley... not before then... or i could either be super excited or just a frickin' zombie/non-motivated... *deep breath* ahhhhhh... phase 2 is going just fine! |
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guess what happens when you have a 24-hour day accompanied with a 2 hour nap followed by 4 hours of work then 2 hours of nap? KERAYZEENESS... yes... you read right... KERAYZEENESS at Benihana's!!!! ah... one of my last good times before my head gets chopped off when my parents get my 3rd quarter report card... EEK!!!! i'm scared... i wanna run away... with the report card... drop it into the La Brea Tar Pits... and then just walk through my front door as if nothing happened... and go "hey ma, why haven't we gotten the report cards yet?"... lol
oh man... dinner was soooooooooo much fun... from the "wilburt = gilbert" escapades to random acts of stupidity to boy-girl-boy-girl seating to shrimp tails in the water, in the hat, and across the table to talks about the Senior Ball No-Nos ie red tuxes, date repeats unless you're a couple to the Senior Ball Yes-yeses [<--haha... that looks weird "yeses") ie non-matching dresses, potential date back-ups, party bus?, hotel rooms, and dancing styles to INSANE FAMILY TIES
<--ok... i've gotta go into more detail about this... since it was megan's b-day we talked about who was older than who... (from oldest to youngest) Will, Lauren, Christina, Kevin, Megan, Adam, Matt, Rita... i'm the youngest =(... anyways... for the past week or so... i've been calling Kevin, my kuya ("big/older brother" in tagalog) 'cuz he's like that now for me... and somewhere during the discussion about potential back-ups i made a proposition to him... that I'd go with him if his first choice didn't work out and he'd go with me if my first choice didn't work out... but then will cried out "but she's your sister, man!" and lauren goes to add, "yeah, that's incestuous"... so will says "I'll go with you to ball, kevin." and KEVIN AGREES!!!! then i say "you'd rather go with Will than with ME!"... MAJOR BLOW TO THE EGO!!!... and will says "yeah... i'm his best friend... i'm like his brother" and we all go "ooooooooooooooooo"... lol hella funny... so then that means... "Will's the oldest brother... than kevin... and me (the baby)"... and then somehow... the fact that me and lauren are the same person (cuz we are kinda... hehe) comes up... and this is where things get all screwy!!! So technically, Lauren is older than me and Kevin... so that makes her kevin's "ate" ("big sister" in tagalog) which makes me kevin's "ate" too cuz me and lauren are the same people... but then again... kevin's older than me which make him my "kuya" and lauren's "kuya" which reverses it... somewhere they cancelled eachother out... and we gave up on that topic... hella FUN THOUGH!!!!-->
and then the rest of the night followed with talks about how everything i see reminds me of a specifc SOMEONE!!!! chopsticks/toothpicks and the 14th and music and "lap-dancing" and SOAP OPERAS and hands and asian people everywhere and calendars in teacher's rooms (AHHHH... THE WEDDING!!!!) and Great America and parks and soup and off-campus and "101 ways to make love without doing it" and seating charts and psychics and orange soda cans and COMSO GIRL MAGAZINE! i can't shake it!!! OCD on a personal level!!!! yikes... maybe i need to take action before i lose out! it's late i'm out... much more to say later... can't keep eyes open for long enough
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I GOT INTO UCLA!!!!! woo woo... so here's the list of my college choices by preference...
1. University of California - Berkeley (haven't heard yet...)
2. California Polytechnical State University - San Luis Obispo (YES!)
3. University of California - Los Angeles (YES!)
4. University of California - Davis (haven't heard yet...)
5. University of California - Irvine (YES!)
6. San Jose State University (YES!)
7. University of California - Riverside (YES!)
ahhhh... just wanting on Berkeley now... and Davis... but really just Berkeley!!!!! *fingers crossed* please please please...
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| i built a bookshelf tonight... well i didn't "build" it.. i followed the directions and put it together... hammering and lining things up and hammering some more... very therapeutic... and relaxing... i'd recommend it! |
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What Lips My Lips Have Kissed - Edna St. Vincent Millay
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows it boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
interesting how i seem to relate so well to this poem/sonnet... and yet... WHAT LIPS MY LIPS HAVE KISSED? i'll give you $100 if you're the first one to tell me the correct answer!!! (dude... i'm just kidding... you think i've got $100 to just hand out... well my friend... you are mistaken!) ah my days of romantic glory... middle school... how i miss that!?! i'm seriously in the winter of my love life... it's so sad... *whimper*... then again... i'm not alone in this so it's all good... i've got my friends to keep me sane... and at least i'm not like the speaker in the poem who's forgotten all these "loves"... i vividly remember mine... woo woo! ah the memories... hmmmmm... i just had a crazy idea... ah... flashback flashback... great america science field trip in 8th grade.... VEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRYYYYYY GOOD day for me... maybe old school tricks still work? maybe this may i'll... lol... nah...
hmmm... when people start to act differently around you, don't you get weirded out? idk it's like... things are changing or they seem to be changing in a situation very close to my heart... and i don't think i like where it's going... i just wanna yell... "NO WAIT... be like you were a few weeks ago... don't go all 'censored' and 'watching your mouth' around me now" ahhhhhh... i need to get my story straight... and my heart in line with my head... it's way too tough to balance out the scales when you're being pulled in opposite directions... ahhhhh if only... but alas LIFE IS DUKKHA!!!! if there's anything i'll take out of my last semester at Carondelet... it's just that!!!
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| ok... you'd think that by the age of 17 or 18 you'd know how to solve your own problems... how to make amends... how to confront a person and work things calmly and rationally... but no... not my friends right now... and ya know... it's really not fair how they've stuck lauren in the middle of this all... i'm just glad i wasn't there at the time... 'cuz woah... like i said... i don't need anymore added stress... this is not a happy time at all... being on the verge of tears right before a test can't be good... and lauren "I'm so sorry that i've stuck you in the middle of my problems too... cuz really... it's not fair... and i totally understand where you're coming from cuz before i met you guys and we clicked... i was the mediator and reconciler and the dependable one within my circle of friends" i mean.. it's great to be able to help others.. but it seems like the more you reach out... the more they take (well duh...) but ya kno what i mean... their problems become like your problems... but in our case... our problems are never as big or as scary or as chat-worthy as HER problems... (take a looksy back to my november 2002 archive n read allllllllllll about it) it's an awful situation to be in... expecially with the 4 day weekend starting tomorrow and the distances that separate us and the special occassions coming up... there really couldn't have been a worse time for these issues to blow up! |
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| i take it back... well i don't take it back... but i don't feel that way anymore... phew... had a kairos team meeting tonight... and god i feel soooo much better... talking with a group of girls for 2 and a half hours is very therapeutic if you haven't tried it... ahhhhhh kairos vibes... i shouldn't call it that i guess... i guess just pure and thruthful conversation vibes... maybe that's all i need... i've been away from it for so long... that kind of opening up and honesty with people i don't know too well that i was just whining about a few hours ago... wow... i feel like something has been lifted off my chest... and whether it's from being with the girls or just having time to simmer down after school... i can't be sure... all i know is that things just took a turn for the better... maybe my luck's coming back? but hey... i'm not about to jinx it... so ima end this now... |
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| ok... my face isn't all red and wet and puffy anymore... so i'll continue... idk... going back to the beginning of my last entry... right now... they probably don't know it... but god... i don't know how much more of this i can take... i don't know why i'm putting this out there but it's not fun to be the crack of every joke or at the root of a *ahem* LIE!!! *ahem* i guess i'm just not that type of girl... i can only take so much of something not real... flattery i can handle... jokes i can handle... little side conversations i can handle... but i mean... it's not real... and i want something real... and it's like a perennial slap in the face to be taunted and joked about like this... and it may not seem like a big deal to other people... and maybe i'm placing too too too much emphasis on it or taking it a bit too seriously... but sometimes it hurts... because there's nothing i'd love more than to really have a relationship... and this isn't it... and when the situation's not real and i kinda sorta maybe wish it were... then i'm left the fool... and alone with well... myself... and my friends who do know what's up... to reassure me that it's not so bad... and that it might even be good... but god... senior ball... time's tickin away... and i don't need my enotions played with right now... i'm not in the mood to play along in this game for much longer... maybe my mood will change in a few hours... as it's prone to do... but for now... at 5:53 in the afternoon... this is really troubling me... |
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*sigh* i'm really getting sick of people toying with my emotions.... ya kno... sure it can be funny and what not... but for my sake... don't say things that you don't mean... girls are different than guys... and for me at least... things just don't roll off my back... they linger in my mind... and then i'm left to analyze it all... not that it's a bad thing... but really... unnecessary stress... and more so... unwanted stress... i don't need or want it right now... god senior ball's in a month and a half... no dress... no date... (duh! of course) rita probably won't have one till that week anyway... it's probably gonna be a repeat of last year... i don't know why i set my expectations so high... i mean... junior prom was fun with mark and senior ball with him was awesome... but now... i'm a senior... loaded with soooooooooo sooooooooo much other stuff... if i could just get a date i'd be set i'm thinkin... cuz really you could buy a dress that day... but yeah... you need a date early on cuz of transportation and reservations and tickets... idk right now... things are not going the way i want it to go... i used to be real lucky too... but that's goin' down the drain and i don't know why or how or why now? why when everything is coming to a close and i need to be sane more than ever do i feel like i'm slipping and that disaster awaits me at every turn (well not every)... but do you realize just how confused i am and uncertain and on the edge i am right now? lately i've been questioning my actions more than ever... i mean... i've always thought about why i do so so so so so much... where will it get me? why do i do it? if i don't even have a clear concept of my own self then wtf am i doin that's keepin me from self-actualization? what is hindering me from finding my voice? ahhhhhhhh... Work all day for money, fight all night for love. - Zora Neal Hurston <-- that i would say is the goddam aphorism of my life... my whole life... school and studying and service all for what? to get into college... to graduate with a bachelors, then a masters, then a doctorate... to get high paying job... to have money to provide for my family and their needs... and then there's love... aside from the normal daily routine... talking with friends... finding connections... finding someone to share my story with... finding someone i feel comfortable to share my story with... building long-lasting acquaintances... so that one day when i find the "man of my dreams" i'll know who i am... and love myself... and love him... i mean... it's easy to love someone else... but god is it hard to love yourself sometimes... when you can see your flaws that others don't see... when you know what you've done and the thoughts that run through your head that others can never ever ever know about... when all you can do is be yourself, but you're not happy with it... when you see other people, friends, family, whoever, and they exude this confidence and esteem that you wish you could have... and god it's hard to love yourself... i came away from kairos relatively happy... sorted some things in my mind about who i am and what not... but as the days pass by and my kairos seems farther and farther away and the kairos i'm supposed to be leading get closer and closer and closer... i get a sense that it's all a bit fake... for three days (away from the stressfulness of school) you can be free and do what your heart desires and not feel ashamed of it... but then you reenter into the old world... where things are just as hectic as they were before you left... and little by little that "high" tapers off... maybe i'm just a pessimist... i thought i was happy and at that time i was i suppose... but now i'm gettin all insecure again and i don't like that feeling... i like to know that what i'm doing serves a purpose... and i want to feel like i did those 3 days again... open and honest and without a mask... but god... (am i really the boss? or is that just another mask for my tested agressive low self-esteem?) these gosh-darn masks are sufficating me right now... maybe that's the real reason why i wanna go back... to share that feeling with others... and maybe it's a good thing that i give the 4th day talk cuz i've definitely struggled with it... maybe someone there feels the way i'm feeling right now... and is looking for some peace of mind... how i hope so! but i won't know till then and the anticipation is eating away at me... idk... i just want someone to love me for me and not cuz i'm a good student or good cheerleader or good whatever... shit... ritalovesyou.blogspot.com... i see it now... no shit rita loves you... but who loves me? i guess i've never felt fully accepted... and maybe that's where the problem lies? but am i that weak to feel that i've gotta be accepted... cuz i know that i haven't and i've gotten through some tough shit on my own before... why do i feel like everyone is judging me? why can't i feel pure love from other people... i mean... god... my parents don't even hug me anymore... they must think i'm too old for that or something... and i can't help but cry because that's what makes me feel like shit the most... to not sense it tangibly... and i know i'm not a bad person... i'm not... but to be rebuffed and pushed away... geez... i'm gonna go cry some more now cuz i can't read this screen anymore... stupid mascara and eyeliner is running into my eyes... fuck it... i'm out... |
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| hmmmmmm... right now i should probably be working on my psychology essay/paper... but i'm just not in the right mind set... ahhhhhhhhhh... SENIORITIS!!!!!!! nuff said! |
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| 10:25... sittin in the computer lab... and freakin out of the AP gov test... i'm very much screwed in that class... oh no!!!!! my grade... yuck... quarter done on wednesday!!! *argh* anyways... back to what i need to rant about... me of course... it's always me... me me me me me... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... i don't wanna be me... or maybe it's that i can't be me around people... one maybe two or three know... but only a few people have really seen me in my element... god... i'm scared... and i don't know how to fix it... and i need to fix it... i always need to know how to fix it... i need to know everything about everyone all the time... i don't like to leave it to chance... could that be my problem? (ya kno this one way talkin isn't helping here... i need another perspective... i'm out!) |
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| grrrrrrrr... forgot somethin on the world religions test... damn... karma kicks me in the ass again!!!! |
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| ok... right now i don't whether the blog is being as effective as i wanted it to be... re-reading some of the old posts... i sound like a boy-crazy idiot... is that me? god i hope not... how i wish that i've grown since middle school... but what if i haven't? what if my life's a lie? a big fat lie... lies upon lies... and fucking masks to cover up more masks to cover up more masks... right about now... i'm wondering why i talk to myself about myself through this thing (rather talk to others through this... but still... idk... it's weird)... ya kno... the worst feeling in the world is to not be able to express yourself... your true self... and ya kno what else... i'm suddenly getting that feeling in my gut that i've never ever really been able to... and it fuckin scares me... you'd think a 17 year old girl could possibly handle that... so where does that leave me? idk... it's not like i can't have a meaningful conversation but i think... i honestly think... that opening myself up to another person to let them see me... the real me... is sooooo hard... i've put up too many facades for too many people... trying to please them or befriend them or help them or whatever... god... am i that superficial? i can't help but think everything i've been doing is exactly what i've been trying not to do... talkin with people these last few days about kairos and other things and yeah... maybe i'm not the best person to be rectora? maybe i'm just lying to myself... thinking i'm mature enough to handle this... when really i'm not too sure about my own self-concept... and i'm not saying kairos is bad or anything... but maybe i didn't really get much out of it... like i thought i did... i'm still pretty much the same person... and i went into it kinda already knowing what was going down cuz of my parents' cursillo stuff... maybe i was just tagging along with the euphoric kairos high... tryin to fit in when girls got all spastic and excited about it... i'm just not that kinda person i suppose... man... i'm more confused now than when i started this blog entry... i think i'll just go to school now... *sigh* |
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| I AM A HOOKER!!!!... kinda... well... no... but i'd like to learn to be one... wait... that sounds bad... lemme rephrase... I WANNA BE THE RUGBY HOOKER... no... bad again... forget it... you just had to be there! so yeah... yesterday was AWESOME!!! very non-stressful... god knows just how much i need those days... i went on the ISC exchange with other girls and guys for CHS/DLS... we had soooooooooo much fun and it was really cool to get to know the people from St. Elizabeth's in Oakland... we hiked through Tilden Park... it was absolutely gorgeous and the weather was soooo perfect... it couldn't have been better except for when during the hike i stepped in the creek and my foot got all wet... the water was hella cold too... but oh well... i got partnered up with Dale Johnson... he's the ASB President at St. Liz... really cool guy too... i thought it was all too perfect that our little symbol was a graduation cap!!! yeah... good stuff... he's such a cool guy too... i think we bonded aight... and i bonded with a lot of other guys too... some that i kinda knew already just in passing and then other guys i'd never met before from DLS... i wish it could've been longer cuz it felt like we had just started to have real fun without getting to know the other school cuz that barrier fell in the morning... good times good times... the hike was a blast... nothing like beautiful scenery, a cool gentle breeze, and a guy that can hold a conversation... and a stimulating one at that... the naturalist was tight too... she knew a lot and made it really fun and exciting... in the end though she started to plug being a forest or park ranger/specialist... yeah... i guess it sounds like a cool job if that's your thing... nature's so incredible... makes you take a step back from the hectic high school life... so yeah... back to the exchange... lunch was hella fun too... we had sandwiches and talked... it was me and dale and randy and randy aka "mr. johnson... mr. harry johnson"... lol... and jamie and jane and steph and eddie and latonya and another girl from st. liz that i never quite got the name of... hella fun!!!... talked about the good 'ol days when TV watchin was accessable.. simpsons on dvd and ARTHUR!!!! yay!!! we got into this whole conversation of why animated series like arthur or even mickey mouse have characters that are animals.. but then those animals have PETS! crazy... pets with pets!!!! freakishly odd if you ask me... like arthur and his dog pal... arthur can talk... but pal goes "woof"... hmmmmm... and then mickey with his dog pluto... but then there's goofy... are they two different species and that's what makes the difference... or is goofy just more evolved!?!.. ok... so after this talk... randy aka "mr. johnson with a need for lotion for his burning hand" tried to learn to clown-walk... it was funny to watch him attempting to be ghetto-fied... speaking of which... EDDIE CAN FLOW!!! hella tight... that's so hard to do too... wow... after all this... I LEARN HOW TO PLAY RUGBY... G and Nate taught me how to play... like throwing and how you can only through laterals or behind you and that to start a play you've gotta touch the ball to your heel and that after there's a down the other sides gotta line up 5 meters (or was it yards) back and the rules behind kicking and off-sides and "try"s and "knock-outs?"/offs (i forget the terminology) but yeah... IT WAS SOOOOOO MUCH FUN!!!! and then we actually played... and I scored!!!! YAY!!!!! it was a rush! ms. daniels talked to me about a lunchtime co-ed game on the new CHS field... cuz rugby is international/cultural and i'm the president of the culture club... we'll see how that goes... but yeah... so back to the HOOKERS... it's a position in rugby... and there are posts and locks and other cool names for positions... our team name was "THE HOOKERS!!!"... so much fun we lost... but i scored so it was allllllll good... all thanks to Nate who threw me the ball... yay! ok... so after the game... we wrapped it up and cleaned the picnic area and said our buh-byes... and left Tilden Park... the busride home was pretty tight too... i'll blog about that later... so i'ma post this now so lauren can start readin up! hehe.. "hi!!!!"... i'll be back! |
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| Ok... soooooooo much went down today!!!! It's been grrrrrreat! but yeah... i need to revise my pride and prejudice line: (*ahem* lauren *ahem*) so here goes... "It is a truth universally known that many girls (ie Rita, Lauren, and every other girl in this whole wide world, mainly me and lauren) in possession of great intellect and compassion and humor and many many many other awesome redeeming qualities that you GUYS would just love us for are in want of a MAN!!!!" i'll blog plenty tomorrow... i think the rock concert and me going deaf is hindering my mental processing!! ok... till the morning comes... i'm out! |
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UC IRVINE and UC RIVERSIDE accepted me!!!! WOO HOO!!!! 4 down... 3 to go...
on another note... i need to maximize!!! lauren knows... hehe... but you don't!!!!! (unless your lauren "hi" or me... hehe... muahahahaha) time's a'runnin out... quarter ends on wednesday... yuck! this has definitely been the quarter to enjoy... but not to learn... and my grades are gonna show it... YUCK!!!!! not good!!!! not good at all... but i have been nominated for valedictorian which is SUPER-COOL! scared though cuz i've got some hefty competition... oh well... if it's meant to happen for me... it will... otherwise... i'll just have to kill whoever gets it so i can have it... JK JK JK JK JK i swear i'm JK JK JK JK!!!!! i'm not homicidal!!!!! i wouldn't take it to that extreme! maybe cry into a pillow and then throw it across the room but never resort to interpersonal violence... hmmmmmm... yeah... what else is goin on right now... kairos... soroptimist of Pleasant Hill (although i don't live there? how did i manage getting this recognition?)... NATIONALS!!! yeah... nationals... 6 practices to go... march 27-30 (and to the cotillioners... don't think practice is cancelled either... cuz it's totally goin on even without me! ya'll need practice... no offense... maybe some one-on-one time is in order... lol)
oh... speaking of which... the BIGGEST and MOST PRESSING SITUATION OF THE MOMENT... COLLEGES... when i'm in Anaheim for Nationals... Cal will be posting whether i'm in or not... so if you know about my standing while i'm in Disneyland and competing... DO NOT TELL ME TILL I GET BACK ON SUNDAY NIGHT OR MONDAY MORNING... i don't want it to affect my performance during semi-finals!!!!
oh yeah... and cheer is for sure screwing up my social/outside-of-school life... so as happy as i am that our varsity b-ball team made it this far into post-season... I DON'T WANNA CHEER FOR THEM TOMORROW!!!!! first of all: we just found about cheering today... less than 24 hours from the actual event... I NEED MORE TIME, MORE NOTICE!!!! is it so much to ask... oh and secondly: why is it that cheer always gets stuck with the games on fridays or dances or CONCERTS!!!!! cuz tomorrow is the rock concert and some old buddies of mine are gonna be performing in it... I WANNA GO... but now i don't think i can cuz we won't be back on our campus till about 9!!! NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!!! still need a ticket too!!! i wanna go deaf for at least a little while!!! at least it would be fun, not that b-ball isn't fun... but yeah... I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO DRIVE OUT TO OAKLAND!!!! third: winter sports night is monday @ 7... there's a choral concert @ CTK that time too... I NEED HUMANITIES POINTS and i wanna see JOHN SING among other things... but yeah... i need humanities and to support some friends... it should be fun and enjoyable too... gosh darn it... once again... cheerleading in the way... and what sucks even more... is that we won't even be getting awards or anything cuz the season's not over for us... we're just there for JV!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... so yeah... cheer is gettin in the way!!! i'm just stickin around for nationals cuz i know we'll be kickin some ass!!!!
ok last thing... as always... i've gotta get this out there!!! this is my variation of Jane Austen's first line from Pride and Prejudice, bear with me: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single girl (ie Rita) in possession of great intellect and compassion and a bunch of other redeeming qualities is in want of a MAN!!!!" and finally "where's the bee to my blossom--a pear tree blossom in the spring?" hahaha... you'd probably only understand that if you were in my english class... lol... ok... i'm done for tonight!!! |
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| CAL POLY and SAN JOSE STATE accepted me!!!! WOO HOO!!!! 2 down... 5 to go... here goes phase 2 of OPERATION: GET INTO COLLEGE!!! |
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i'm allllllllll better now! YAY! no more yuckiness... my voice is slowly returning which is good... and i'm not hacking up phlegm anymore... woo hoo!!! school's been quite interesting lately... spirit week's been kinda... well... not spirited... weird this year cuz it's split into 2 weeks... doesn't make much sense to me... whatever... went to the track meet on friday! i never knew joe and conrad and jordan could run like that... IT WAS SOOOOOOO COOL!!! (and i didn't know they had muscles like that either... woah!... you'd never know with all them baggy clothes on and jackets and stuff)... kinda makes me wonder why some people quit track (*ahem* peter *ahem* john *ahem)... maybe they couldn't cut it... oooooooo... but you didn't hear that from me... i'm sure rugby's a cool sport... i did see that FRIENDS episode with the rugby match... very different sport... very british... hehe... duh!
well... i've got cotillion practice tomorrow... it should be fun watching the guys dance... hehe... hopefully this time i won't get a private dance by "you know who"... that was kinda disturbing... fun... but let's keep it g-rated aight (there's lil kids watchin over the fence!)... *sigh* boys... ah boys... forget boys... I NEED A MAN! yes... I DO!!!!! RITA NEEDS SOME LOVIN' TOO!!!!!!!!! |
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posted by Rita at 
