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new pic, new layout, new song...
it's a new day.
gone are the frustrations, the confusions, the aches... now's the time to focus, to stay on point, to enjoy. in less than a month, my first year of college will be over. done. finito. never to be relived... it's crunch time in so many ways.
{{woah, someone sneezed hella loud in the hallway..... it sounded weird, too.}}
but yeah, post-pcn has been fabolous. oh yeah, and dang, i haven't updated fully since spring break. wow, so much has happened... but i'll need more time.
only recently have i begun to delve into some real issues with different relationships i've formed at cal. post-pcn, i've come to value my friends/family here all the more. late night hot seats, playtime, convos, movies, music, haranas, dancing, jamming, chatting, talking. i feel that we're closer now than ever. and what thrills me is that there is so much more to learn about them and experience with them. these people truly make my day everyday. "i'd gladly risk it all" for these people.
hopefully we'll all keep in touch over the summer... and if not, then that's ok too... i'd understand.
and so to end on a happy note:
um....
25 days till my birthday!! yay! the big 1 - 9.... haha, cotillioners, let's remix it... version 2.0! hahahahahahaha...
oy.
(11 months ago  ... *sigh* i'm such a hopeless romantic...)
random edit: kool-aid doesn't take like diet nastiness anymore, i wonder why that is.... |
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haven't updated in hella days. sorry, folks. life is hectic.. and so is trying to figure out my future...
looks like my friends won't be seeing much of me next sem:
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UCB Schedule Planner |
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Contact Aman (scheduler @ amanb.net) |
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oh dear, look at today's horoscope:
A journey of some kind could prove to be so much fun for you and a romantic interest, RITA, that you find yourself feeling a rush of desire and passion, the like of which you've never felt before. This could turn a lovely break from routine into a sensual night in the bedroom. The only downside: very little sleep! If you and your friend aren't already committed, this could well lead to an understanding between you. Enjoy!
..... |
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i'm hella scared to go to discussion today...
hmmmmm... if the GSI's can't even answer one of the questions, and when they call the professor in to do it and he's making mistakes all over the place.... does that mean that it's a bad test?? c'mon now.
and who the heck got between a 91-95. daaaaaaaaannnngggggggggg... we've got physics genius over there! what are you doing! sheesh... that one hella pulled up the curve. shoot, next time be a lil more considerate of the rest of your peers.... shoot!
i'm hella scared..... |
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currently listening to my KAIROS XV CD! good stuff...
so this isn't update: part 2 of the most put-off update ever... BUT it's something.
friday night tsismis is fun fun fun! muahahahahaha... some things just needed to be cleared up, let go, discussed. time well spent @ priestley.
saturday morning/afternoon all-kast @ the lipman room: first of all... WHAT A VIEW! absolutely beautiful... i think i could've just sat there with some music or a pen and paper for hours just looking towards the bay, the hills, or the city. incredible. moments like those, brief as they are, are so cool. i've gotta get up there another time to just sit and let be.
practice was less hectic. less emotional. less frustrating. thank goodness.
vaughn helped me write an invocation for a Bataan-Corregidor commemoration night in Pittsburg. it never got delivered b/c they decided to start 30 minutes ahead of schedule! imagine that: a filipino function starting EARLY! what is this world coming to???
Easter Sunday was different this year. It kinda felt like it was just any other sunday, any other weekend. Is that bad? I mean, it is easter and all...
I feel like my priorities have shifted so much in the last few months, and i'm really disappointed in myself for that. Somehow in the last few weeks PCN has taken over everything and things that once held the utmost priority in my life (like school and church) has moved down on my list, and boy are things as difficult as ever with classes. berkeley is kickin my ass. i feel like my head has reached full capacity. like if i learn anything new, something i need, something i've learned, something i could potentially need for a midterm or paper or final will get bumped out.
There are times I wish that I was more studious, more on top of things, solely focused on school--and not bothering with extracurriculars... extracurriculars won't get me into UC Berkeley's Engineering Grad School. the "non-involved" rita would say, "damnit rita, what are you doing?!? you're ruining for your future for what? for a show? for a club? for nonsense? what's happened to you?? what about your scholarship? what about the thousands of dollars you're parents are pouring into Cal? what about the example you're setting for your sublings? you're blowing everything you've been working for since you started to read and write. YOU'RE BLOWING IT!!" "Non-involved" rita pops into my head in the middle of taking midterms, looking at the questions, and praying that the people around you have no clue how to do them, too. but "involved" rita pops up during all those other moments when i'm surrounded by the people i've come to love and call my friends and community. she says, "i'm here for the experience. i'm here for the now. i'm here because i care enough to make some kind of difference."
my dual personalities are really pulling hard--pulling in different directions. and maybe this is a hard lesson that I need to learn. it's a struggle to find a balance. it will always be because i feel that i'm too passionate about too many things.
if only i were a little more apathetic. lol.
anyway, back to event stuff. dinner @ angelo's was such fun. angelo, valery, vaughn, diana, camille, mark, rannel, frances, kevin, chandra, and i all had dinner together! with the occassional cameo from trisha and wally. *snaps to the cooks!* such wonderful time together.
and then we had jazz. oowee... i'm gonna be hella embarrassed doing some of that in front of my mom. ay, in front of my dad! ay, in front of everyone's moms and dads!!!
oh well.... que sera sera...
and today, after classes, and shopping, and eating, and meeting, i went to my mailbox. i don't usually do this because i rarely pass by it, but mark told me to check for my billing statements. sheesh.
so i did, and i had mail! like REAL MAIL! not a bill or a quarter-sheet flyer or housing notice... real personal mail! do you realize how awesome that is? how it totally made my day? man, the last letter i received from a friend was a kairos one from april 10, 2003. that's over a year, my friends!
thanks mark! ...you've never steered me wrong...
...yet, lol!
oh, and i registered on thefacebook.com. hehe! |
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so it's Holy Thursday. lent went by so quickly!! maybe that's cuz i had spring break in the middle of it and am just soooo busy with other things. i've been able to keep up with my lenten sacrifices... and ya know, that was a first! i'll admit it, i'd cheat. but not this year, folks. not this year.
today after JOP/LOP henry, camille, mark, jet and i were walking to the bus stop, and we pass by the bear's lair and "clocks" starts to play. i immediately thought of peter and his kairos cd. and then i started to think about kairos and how it was just a year ago that i led the retreat and how just a year ago this day i had been asked to senior ball and how everything around this time of year, last year, was just perfect! it makes me smile to know that i've had those days... anyway, we all started talking about our own prom/ball experiences and the ways in which we were asked or the ways we asked. good times at the bus stop waiting for the 52L.
tomorrow's horoscope: Today you should be feeling especially well and full of optimism. Affection for those around you is going to be strong, and don't be surprised if it pulls some new people into your aura. You should also be looking especially good, RITA, so you might notice that strangers stare at you on the street! As your taste is especially sharp, this is a great day to shop for new clothes. You should also plan an evening out with a lover.
..... things are lookin good, guys. after tomorrow's midterm, all will seem good in the world again. |
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THIS IS THE UPDATE PART 1 OF THE MOST PUSHED-BACK UPDATE OF MY LIFE TIME! brace yourself... it just might take you the whole remix to read. btw, the remix is 30 minutes long! Enjoy...
[FRIDAY 02.27.04] PAArty: Sadies
that day was SO hectic. From class, to last minute accessory shopping, to hip-hopping, to getting ready, the day was just like go. go. go!!! but it was so worth it! *sigh* so after hip-hop, i had an hour to shower, dry the hair, apply the make-up, get dressed in the ever-so-cool outfit that frances and i had spent like all of Thursday night creating! Oh yeah…. Thursday night @ frances’ cutting up her orange Hendrix college shirt! That was so fun! “I’VE GOT TWINE” haha….. oh dear. So we cut up the collar to make it wider, shortened the sleeves, cut slits up the sides, and criss-crossed the twine string through some holes… oh and with the scraps from the sleeve, we made a wristband!!! How cool is that! Haha…. Ok, so back to Friday, Angelo and Madel picked me up a lil past 10:30, and then we picked up Valery and Ruben. And we got to the party a lil after 11. and all the other first years were there!! Dang, we looked hella cute! Chris was looking like John Mayer in the blue/orange/denim fit Vaughn had coordinated for him that matched mine more-or-less. And there was Kevin and Frances gettin a lil freak-ay on the dance floor in their black and white ensembles. Vaughn and Camille had matching I NY shirts. Richelle and Andrew looked hella sexay! Diana and Mark were sportin black and orange. Chandra and Leo, lookin’ fabulous as always! I think that’s everyone… hehe. GOOD FOOTBALL is really….. good! Haha!
But yeah… we all got there pretty late, so by the time the dance was over… we still wanted to hang out. We chilled @ Cunningham lounge and mark and Andrew were jamming (I didn’t freestyle though… will do in the future), we played “three to a couch”. Girls won! Ha! And just hung out… good times. So it was pretty late and we didn’t wanna walk home, so we called for the Bearwalk shuttle… and get this, the guy made up some lame excuse and rannel and I ended up WALKING home. WTF! Other than that, it was a wonderful day!
[SUNDAY 02.29.04] It’s a LEAP YEAR! Guess who’s anniversary is on a leap day?
So… Frances and Kevin FINALLY hooked up! tee-hee. If you want the details… hit up their xangas. After church, we all went back to Camille’s…
[MONDAY 03.01.04] SLUMBER PARTY @ CKC
kinda… Camille, Frances, and I stayed up most of the night basking in the events of the weekend… hehe! It’s great being a girl! We found the good football soundtrack! And we danced around and worked on projects and ate and talked and IM’d… and Mark came by, too. We all had breakfast together and left after that. Hehe… the things you learn. AIM logs… muahahaha… girls are so smart!
Later that night, I went to the Senate FiComm meeting for PCN funding… dang we hella need a Filipino senator. I really hate this party politics, but there are just times when you’ve got to play into the game to make sure that the needs of your community are met and that the things/issues that they are concerned with are made known and had something done about it. That night, I felt ready to step-up. Little did I know… but others felt that way too… this would prove rather… frustrating?… later on. Read on.
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[SUNDAY 03.07.04] And the confusion/frustration/emotional drainage begins….
So.. we had our VERY FIRST ALL CAST! OMG! It was so cool. So psyched for PCN! Everyone was in good spirits! Very pleased…. Very content… and then… Gin calls me and leaves a message that the Pil-org directors would like to interview all potential senate candidates…
I didn’t know this was an endorsement interview.
Maybe it was better that way…
But yeah… I DIDN’T KNOW!
And so I did the interview, I realized I’d fucked up and not mentioned 2 of the orgs (because… well, I didn’t know they were Orgs. I knew they existed… but yeah, can’t change that now).
This whole slating process to this point was much more complicated and shady and fucked-up than I had known.
So I get a call at around 1 am on Monday morning. It’s Jamie. She sounds kinda… idk… like she doesn’t have good news. BUT IT’S TOTALLY GOOD NEWS!!!!!! CalSERVE “slated” me. You don’t even know how good that felt… you feel like, “Yeah! They really felt me. They wanted me to represent for them. They believed in me. They were ready to back me up.” I was talking to my good friend, Jason, at the time too… we were both waiting for phonecalls. We were talking about what would happen if we both got slated. If we both didn’t. if one of us did and the other didn't. *sigh…* but we both got a phonecall to say we were slated!!! So so so so happy! It was like a cap to the most wonderful few months of college so far! And when I say cap. I mean CAP. Like END! Because that’s when things got very very very fucked up.
[MONDAY 03.08.04] What do you mean, “don’t file my papers”?
so I get a call from Olivia around 2 in the morning… she says not to file my papers because they haven’t interviewed everyone.
SO CONFUSED!
What do these interviews have to do with me running???
CalSERVE slated me, right?? Right???
So I’m about to file them, and Olivia calls (or I call her to make sure things are ok), and I end up not filing them. and we talk for a long time, and damn… I feel hella shitty after that convo. I had no idea about these internal struggles. I feel so disillusioned. I feel like I know so little. I feel like I’m being used—or rather that I’m caught in the middle of something I didn’t even know about. I feel my happy little bubble POP. And those goddam soap suds splatter right into my eyes and they burn like hell. Things just aren’t the same after that.
I get phonecalls from Jamie and Taina about checking in with me. I talk to Kris. I talk to Jason. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. How can all this be happening so fast? How am I supposed to deal with all this shit that has been suddenly placed on me? How is this fair?
It’s not. Simple as that.
[TUESDAY 03.09.04] “Houston, we’ve got a problem.” Pshhhh.. we got HELLA PROBLEMS!
So after a long day of classes, of meetings, of project scrambling, I attend a CalSERVE community meeting. This meeting was supposed to last just 2 hours……..
It did not. But at least I had friends there and people from my community there to keep company from 10-5 in the morning. So many tears. So many questions. So much dancing around the topic and trying to side-step the issues.
Drained. So tired.
[WEDNESDAY 03.10.04] Not the community’s choice.
PCN gets their money. SA senators acts ridiculous… OMG, they were so fake. Didn’t fool me for a second. What crummy leaders… it’s so disappointing to see that, it really is. I know they’re better than that. But give me a break, and give our community some credit. Sheesh…
And then the Pil-org directors endorse Annalyn! (yay annalyn!) I was fine with their decision. Really… but idk, it was just a really hard position to be put in, because that kinda set the tone for Thursday.
[THURSDAY 03.11.04] Please give me a chance…
Left Dance a lil early to attend the town hall meeting about the election process and senate endorsement process. Went to the Alumni Dinner. That was fun! Went to the PAA mtg… which turned into another town hall… and honestly, I don’t know how effective it was. It was very short. And well… people (most people) didn’t have a clue as to what they were talking about. I really don’t like when that happens. I mean, at least let them know what it’s about. Give them some background. Give them ALL the details… hella shady, if you don’t do that. Because that’s what causes the problems, the frustrations, the confusion. If you leave people in the dark about how these things even started, if you don’t tell the story from the beginning… then whatever you have to say, is really just pointless. And it’s not very efficient.
But yeah… then we all proceeded to a CalSERVE community meeting where the all the senators and all the execs were finally slated. Thanks to all the first years that came out and supported… and ended up staying all 15 hours! You know who you are… and I’ll be forever grateful for that. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t have your presence there. I really truly don’t know. and I'm also sorry for having put you through that...
So it started out ok. All the slated candidates were listed. And then they took nominations… Jason nominated me. Gosh, I am so happy to know that he can really empathize with what I’m going through. Sometimes, I feel like he’s the only one I can turn to about these things nowadays.
So we gave a lil shpeal about ourselves, what communities we are involved in, what it means to represent, and so on and so forth. And then we were asked to leave so that the rest of the CalSERVE community could talk about each of us and figure out what the slate would be. I would REALLY REALLY love to know what was said in there. Like… everything said. I feel that I deserve at least that much.
So some people went in and got additional questions. I got called in twice. WTF… do you realize how sucky it is to be on the hotseat… and do you realize how happy one can be to be off it!!!! But… then you get called on again! OhMyGoodnessGracious! You can really fuck with people that way… it wasn’t fun to be in my place… but then again, when is it ever fun to be in anyone’s place around election time?
Idk… I mean, it’s nice that CalSERVE involved 150 people in process and got community input and the communities decided who they wanted to represent them. and it’s ok that the Filipino community didn’t want me to represent them. but to shut me out… just cuz I’m a filipina, just because I’m a woman, and just because those communities already decided on who they wanted to represent THEM really really bothers me. What about the communities not equally represented at the meeting? What about the communities not traditionally CalSERVE that you’re now trying to cater to? What about those traditional CalSERVE communities that didn’t have someone on the slate????
And who says that you need to be part of that community to care for it and fight for it and help represent it? I mean, isn’t the role of a senator meant to help the whole student body? Just because you’re Filipino, does that mean you can only go to a Filipino senator for help? ANY STUDENT with ANY ISSUE should be able to go to ANY SENATOR and get HELP! Why do I feel so alone in thinking that???? Looking to community bases helps organize things and gives you a direction, but shoot… if you’re only looking out for your community and no other… then WTF is this whole process about. WTF are you there for?? It’s the ASUC. It’s the Association Students. We’re here for EVERYONE!
Ugh… this still bothers me.
….. and then I got called a third time. And Angelo, Camille, and Gustavo were there waiting to break it to me. I can’t even express in words the emotions, the thoughts, the sadness and anger that were coursing through my body… and the numbness. It felt so surreal. How could things have gotten this bad, this quickly? My world, my ambitions, my love for Cal and our student body…. Crushed… crushed by strangers. People who didn’t know me. People who didn’t care to give me a shot. People who didn’t seem to believe in the good I felt I could accomplish in that capacity. And crushed by my community. I thought they’d understand. I was wrong.
So I didn’t get slated. I was angry. And bitter. And tired… but there are more important things. There are other ways to help the movement. There are other options.
And then the exec slate went up. and all hell broke loose. Damn. People can get downright mean, even if they were trying to sugar-coat it. We can read between the lines. I did not feel safe or respected or equal in that space.
In order for someone to rise……… someone must fall.
[FRIDAY 03.12.04] Commisery
the meeting ended around noon. Got back to the dorm around 12:30. did hw. Lots of it. Had a meeting. Rested a bit in 515. had hip-hop and traditional. Saw dad. Went to Jelly’s for Norwin’s birthday.
I needed to release some of this pent-up frustration. Danced. Drank…. Water, soda, etc.(muahahaha… etc. gimme a break ok. I had a hard week).
[MONDAY 03.15.04] So good to see old friends…
after classes, I met up with Peter and Albert. It was so nice to see a familiar face again. He bookshopped and those two decided they wanted to go on a hike so they left and I did some work. We got together for dinner @ Thai House. I met Albert’s girlfriend who is a 2nd year here. Those two are really cute together. Sigh… Albert’s such a keeper! LOL
And yeah… look ma, you’ll be happy to read this: PETER’S NOT COURTING ME! Ahahahahahaaha… oh man. She swears I’m still ga-ga over that boy. Give me some credit. Sheesh.
[TUESDAY 03.16.04] Fashion 4 A Cause
Good fun. Good clothes. Good music. FREE STUFF!
[THURSDAY 03.18.04] EDUCATION IS A RIGHT!
Great demonstration on upper sproul. Chilled in 515. helped with Chris’ VisComm for So-Cal Outreaches.
[FRIDAY 03.17.04] FEC!!!!! I’m in love!
…with the children. With the children. Oy! I’m so glad I went, I’ll probably never get another chance to. Wow… now I see why Vaughn goes so much. They do awesome work there. Hehe, Justin and Aaron, my two lil 6 year old boys (6 right?)… oh my goodness, hugs everywhere. And Camille’s “diamond” shirt! Ahahaha… and that Jolina was giving me like a heartache swinging from that bar… omg! She’s so cute! Haha. I want one! Not now though….
Got back to Berkeley around 6:30, had a crepe, saw annalyn @ yogurt park and yeah… Camille’s hand gestures were…um…. Easy to misinterpret! Haha…
Finished up the posters for VisComm and Chris walked me back. Hadn’t use M.E.S. in a long time… but it was nice to just talk.
Ok… I’m all caught up till spring break. Phew. |
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i'm "failing" math..... [mind you, in my mind, anything below a B is failing b/c that's what i need to keep my scholarship]
FUCK! i hate these GSIs... hella screwed me over w/ points. haven't they heard of PARTIAL credit!
if i could... i'd totally break down right now. i'm that close... but i need to be strong. strong for my midterms coming up. strong for my family. strong for my friends. strong for lots of different things and lots of different reasons.
i wish i didn't have to be so strong.
"I wonder if it's possible to go through each day completely exposed to the world. To walk from day to day with no protection. If you take each emotional onslaught and deal with it fully, truthfully, engaging it with your entirety...if you do all these things, will you retain enough energy to write papers, to read books, to lay in the sunshine, to daydream? or will you be too wearied, too worn, too dashed and torn to do these things anymore? And if you had to, which would you choose? " - pk
people shouldn't have to choose. it's not fair. |
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it's been a long time. life is crazy... a bad crazy.
trying to organize my thoughts as best i can.
I) it's been a long day. very tiresome. very emotional. not nearly as academic as it should have been. i'm spent.
II) 04.04.01 i still don't understand, but it's ok. RIP KC. thank you for the gift of being your friend while you were here. be with us still...
III) my physics midterm in 18 hours. i'm not ready. not at all. inertia, what? rotation, eh? angular velocities....
IV) my AIM buddy info:
sexual frustration at an all-time high.
same goes with my inability to learn.
in this case, people say correlation does not mean causation....
... they've never met me.
i need a man. i need one now. frances and camille said it best. guys are oblivious.
V) i'm gonna quote my friend, peter, again. "the less they do, the less they feel, the less they think, the less the risk, the less they are"
why can't people take the risk? why can't i seem to? why do i hold myself back? is this the way i'm gonna to spend my life?
it's time to take off my masks... then again. I DON'T HAVE THE TIME! and that by far... is the most horrible part of my existence at the moment. and now the moment is gone, and it's still the most horrible part. i'll let you know when i have a new horrible part...
Christina Aguilera - Reflections
Look at me
You may think you see
who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must
be free to fly
That burns with a need
to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
.... sigh
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i hate math.
one stupid mistake is going to cost me my whole fuckin grade! here's to entering the struggling student phase of college. damn... it's too early in my academic career for that. what the heck!
how can you make 1 question with just one part worth 20 points.... but have the others with 3 or 4 or 5 parts worth the same! how!
i'm pissed. |
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i heard myself on the radio today (like 1 AM on a friday morning)!!!
radio in VERMONT!!!
that was soooooo cool. britney spears was so right! (sidenote: give her more credit.) there is nothing like hearing yourself on the radio for the first time.... nothing. yet. haha. oyyyyy....
yes. so amusing. so funny. so not helping me study for my math midterm in 10 hours. omg 10 hours. but whatever.... things like this can only happen once... a week! hahahahaha...
and i guess you can't say "hella" on the radio. oops! i didn't know! and i can't help it.. and you can't be drunk on it either... phew, another hard one to follow... just kidding, folks!
quote peter (who was on the radio also, but like 30 minutes before me): "hey guys... look i'm on the radio!" he went on and on saying this for a few minutes. it was really cute! really hilarious.... i was on the verge of tears. and then teleportation vs transportation in star trek talk. mmmmmmm... good times!
and i'm sorry, buddy, that i helped trash you. it's tough to get a word in between those two, to justify what i'm tryin to say. 2 chatty "librarians" <<name of their show>> and you know how it goes... but you wanted me to tell sumi to "bite me" for you... that was harsh -- HELLA HARSH. but i can't say that on the radio, now can i? haha....
.... oh yeah, i totally plugged PCN! whaa whaa... and so what if i plugged it to the 3am-6am college radio audience of Middlebury College in Vermont, it's still something. maybe someone fell in love with my voice over the radio and is making arrangements to come out here on
Sunday, April 18, from 3-6pm at Zellerbach, $10 pre-sale (from ME!) or $15 at door
... hehe.
ok. back to studying. and sleeping soon, i hope. will wake up early though to do more cramming. i hate cramming.... but yeah. you've gotta deal with the consequences of your AIM/xanga/music/food/cleaning/make-up appyling/photoshop/phone calling addiction at some point. |
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posted by Rita at 
