| and another year goes by... |
{{still in the works}}
2004 has surely been an eventful year. i hope 2005 is even better.
i'm not entirely sure what i want to say in this final entry for the year. there've been many times that i've intended to update and recap and all of that stuff, but i just never seem to get around to it. and so while many thoughts have already escaped me, issues been resolved, and memories sadly forgotten, i do still have things to say. so bear with me.
i can say that 2004 was a year for change. sure, in 2003 i graduated, became an "adult", and entered college, but it was really in 2004 that i realized that gravity of all that. i saw how the changes in the summer of 2003 affected me. it was in 2004 that results came, trials were fought, and newer strengths arose.
in 2004: i was challenged like no other! school is hard! oh man! it's hard!
there were so many time that i doubted my place at berkeley. kids were so competitive. concepts weren't sticking. classes were kicking my butt left and right. but what else can you expect from the best public university in the nation! berkeley wouldn't be what it is if it didn't challenge us, right? and the students that come out of berkeley wouldn't work at the caliber that they do if they weren't being pushed to, right? and i wouldn't be me if i chose the easy way out and didn't push myself to gain the best education there is, right? and berkeley'll give me the best education... which is what it all boils down to. 2004 academically strained and drained me. it caused me to get the worst headaches i've ever felt in my life, intense feelings of despair and confusion, pains of failure and worthlessness, and poorest grades that i've ever received in my entire life... but, knowing that i got through all of that, and am not entirely beat down gives me hope. and that little (and i mean LITTLE) glimmer of hope is all that i have to keep me going. hope that i'll pass the class, to get the degree, to get another one, and another one, to land the job i desire, to provide for the family i intend to have, to affect change in my community, to help others, to be a positive contributor to society, to leave a legacy of good works and perpetual hope for my children and their children and theirs and so on and so forth. hope and trust. trust and work. work and change.
resolution #1 for 2005: hope and trust. trust and work. work and change. be a better student--go to ALL classes. attend office hours frequently. find something within my major that i feel really very passionate about. TRY to get a more comprehensive education (though that might only be able to take effect next fall because my courses for this coming semester are already set).
in 2004: i was deep in all my extracurriculars....... DEEP enough to DROWN in them.
hall ass. paa. pasae. pass. pcn. asuc. and everything else. sometimes i just don't know when to quit. but i can't stay away. something in me would says that i need to stay "involved" in everything. i would DIE without my extracurriculars... ok ok.. i wouldn't DIE. but i'd be so unhappy. i spent a whole semester not dancing! OH MAN! that was the WORST! that hasn't happened since like 3rd grade. i NEED to dance! i really feel that i NEED to do all these things to keep me happy and sane. yeah, it might seem a little insane to be part of all these orgs and take up leadership positions or volunteer all my time... but that's just me. and i don't know if i can sufficiently explain my reasons for academic suicide or extracurricular suicide... but i guess the thing that i've learned to accept about myself is that I TAKE ON A LOT! and THAT WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE.
resolution #2 for 2005: find a balance, but dance more often... oh yeah... did i mention i still wanna be an ASUC senator?? eep.
in 2004: i tested the family boundaries... and lost.
yeah, i'm not sure when i'll figure out how to "cut the umbilical cord" or whether it's even feasible... but i see that now is not the time to test these boundaries... i faced many struggles this year w/ the parents and all that stuff and yeah, a lot of the things i'm facing deal with independence and getting my space and all that stuff college students go through to be more of who they thing they are... but it's pretty futile right now. and i'm really tired of fighting. i just don't have the energy. we had plenty of little squabbles and a few big blowouts... but we're family and all families go through this stuff and i love them and that won't change.
resolution #3 for 2005: find a balance. be more respectful. try harder to "win" my parents over.
in 2004: i saw less and less of my high school friends.
resolution #4 for 2005: do my best to keep the lines of communication open. initiate.
in 2004: i got fat.
resolution #5 for 2005: work out at the gym 3 mornings a week. eat healthier. watch my portions at the DC.
in 2004: i found the greatest love i've ever known.
in january, i closed a chapter of the story that is my love life. i learned to let go, forgive, and deal. i learned to open up, be honest, and take hold of my life. it was a long journey... and i found just what i was looking for in Chris. i love him. i love him so much. he is by far the most wonderful part of my 2004.
resolution #6 for 2005: keep chris! lol... no, i mean, keep our relationship strong and growing. remind him constantly of my love and loyalty and devotion. be that best girlfriend/bestfriend that i can be to him........ but... see less of him during the school days. babe, you know what i'm talking about. we've talked about it before, so hopefully we'll try to keep each other in check, yeah?
like i said... still in the works...
and it's almost new year... i need to put on something red, put change in my pockets, go downstairs into the cold cold cold because all the windows and doors are open, and grab a bell. and then i need to read a book. say a prayer. eat noodles. and yeah... woo hoo for family traditions. haha.
HAPPY 2005, EVERYBODY!
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| ipod wishes... |
this was my photoshop project yesterday! yep... it wasn't hard to do at all! woo!
hehe. guess who my model was??
*original pic taken from bev's xanga of my darling chris posing outside of urban outfitters in sf during the 2nd year gathering.
*editted by yours truly into an infamous ipod silhouette.
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| things that NEED to happen: |
+ finish the frickin all pil-org contact roster that was started in august! gah! (oooo hey camille, how's that going?)
+ my dad's b-day scarf. oooo... i finished my first one and i like it! a lot! woo!
+reading the davinci code. and maniac magee. peter gave it to me for christmas, so i HAVE to read it now. no excuses.
+figure out what day i wanna go back to the firm and earn $96 more. ahahahahahah!! a solid days work... a solid days pay! woo! i'll update about yesterday a lil later...
+see my friends. new years at my house, ok! hella food!
+see CHRIS!!! not that he's not in the friends category... cuz he is... but ya know. he's special.
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oh, and in response to my 89% gangsta-ness: dang, i like my results! shoooooooooooot. stiletto heels, the mafia, and my huffy bike (you know it'd be bling-ed out! those wheels... ooooweee! a diamond encrusted body, and chrome spokes, and the CUTEST designer basket out front... shoooooooooot.) and dang... all that money! muahahahahahaha... i think i'd give a lot of it to the poor folks in the philippines. but first i'd buy my mommy a mansion and a group of domestics to help clean and cook and buy and drive and tend to her and my dad. then... i'd pay for my education and my sisters. then get a new car! and a new wardrobe. and yeah.. i'd save a lot of it... so that i could help provide for my family too. and the family that i'll have one day.
sigh. that'd be so suh-weeeeet!
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and finally...
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!
may there be peace in your hearts and homes.
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| possibly the worst 2 and a half weeks of my life to come |
1 engineering project
1 midterm
5 finals
setting up a "smallCal"
setting up a retreat venue
1 dinner
1 gathering
1 planning meeting
a few pil events
lots and lots of review sessions.
many of you can consider me MIA till the 21st.
have a happy december in the meanwhile.
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| long convo |
this says what i'm thinking right now:
lwesterfun: hey! sorry i've missed all the calls lately...
lwesterfun returned at 10:37:07 AM.
lwesterfun: how are you?
CaLxPiNaYx07: aw it's ok
CaLxPiNaYx07: i'm ok
lwesterfun: lol. we had a phone malfunction at the radio
CaLxPiNaYx07: the coursework is still kicking my ass
lwesterfun: sorry about that
CaLxPiNaYx07: but other than that...
CaLxPiNaYx07: i'm ok
lwesterfun: yeah. school is giving me hell to
CaLxPiNaYx07: i made a christmas lantern yesterday
lwesterfun: ooh! nice
CaLxPiNaYx07: arts and crafts... mmmm... therapy
lwesterfun: i have 5 papers due in a week. AHH
lwesterfun: so i'm going insane
lwesterfun: i need therapy too
lwesterfun: i should get craftsy
lwesterfun: acctualy, i need it to snow
lwesterfun: the weather is being sucky...cold but not snowing. poopy
CaLxPiNaYx07: same here!
lwesterfun: anyway, hows the angst? you doing ok on that note?
CaLxPiNaYx07: it's gotten SOOOOOOOOOOOO COLD!
lwesterfun: i know..i checked out the home weather...frost and all that. my goodness
CaLxPiNaYx07: like... uncharacteristically cold
lwesterfun: i can't WAIT to get home!!
CaLxPiNaYx07: like below freezing!
lwesterfun: so excited
CaLxPiNaYx07: no rain or anything though
CaLxPiNaYx07: it's like "the day after tomorrow" or something, but without the intense earth freeze
CaLxPiNaYx07: what angst?
CaLxPiNaYx07: which angst?
CaLxPiNaYx07: lol
CaLxPiNaYx07: i think.. right now. i can't be thinking about all that emotional stuff
CaLxPiNaYx07: i need to understand my math and physics
lwesterfun: haha..ok, thats what i meant
lwesterfun: and yeah, sometimes work is a good distractor
CaLxPiNaYx07: it's not that it's a distractor from the angst..
CaLxPiNaYx07: in fact it's causing its own angst
CaLxPiNaYx07: but...
CaLxPiNaYx07: now is not the time to be all conflicted n shit
CaLxPiNaYx07: i seriously don't understand multivariable calculus
CaLxPiNaYx07: nothing sticks anymore.
CaLxPiNaYx07: i just learn it to learn it.. then i forget it
CaLxPiNaYx07: i don't know how to change that.
lwesterfun: hmm. yeah
CaLxPiNaYx07: it's like i'm just studying to get the grade (which i am)... but it's just for the grade
lwesterfun: i'm not sure what to tell ya
lwesterfun: you should talk to sumi, shes gonna major in math
CaLxPiNaYx07: all these tech classes... there's no room for fudge
CaLxPiNaYx07: *to fudge
lwesterfun: haha..yeah, i know
CaLxPiNaYx07: there's one answer and one way to get it
lwesterfun: thats one glory of lib. arts..
CaLxPiNaYx07: yeah i agree
lwesterfun: but then you have to write 5 papers.
lwesterfun: so theres that
CaLxPiNaYx07: i need some of that
CaLxPiNaYx07: i need to think beyond the equations and everyday practical stuff
CaLxPiNaYx07: i feel like half of my brain is rotting
CaLxPiNaYx07: like one side is going to eat the other
CaLxPiNaYx07: lol
lwesterfun: haha..oh my
lwesterfun: creepy
CaLxPiNaYx07: remember that brain moving inside my head incident from high school
CaLxPiNaYx07: i feel that on a weekly basis
lwesterfun: oh shit, yeah
lwesterfun: noooooo
lwesterfun: what cured it before?
CaLxPiNaYx07: i don't know
CaLxPiNaYx07: my health... has gotten worse this year
CaLxPiNaYx07: not that i've gotten the flu or colds or fevers like last year
lwesterfun: yeah, thats lucky..i havent' either, yet, thank goodness
lwesterfun: what do you mean though?
CaLxPiNaYx07: but i'm just fatigued and get headaches a lot more often and my eyes give after a few hours
CaLxPiNaYx07: it's harder to focus
CaLxPiNaYx07: on the work at least
lwesterfun: yeah. you need a vacation deary
lwesterfun: how long is your break?
CaLxPiNaYx07: 3 weeks
lwesterfun: ahhh
lwesterfun: nice
lwesterfun: do a spa day
CaLxPiNaYx07: but it's not really a vacation that i need
lwesterfun: mm. that sounds good...
CaLxPiNaYx07: i need a retreat
lwesterfun: well, yeah
CaLxPiNaYx07: or something to recenter myself
CaLxPiNaYx07: i need guided self-evaluation time
CaLxPiNaYx07: i need to talk about ideas with people
lwesterfun: you don't think just self-evaluation and some time to yourself put together might help?
lwesterfun: do you really need the structure of a retreat?
lwesterfun: like, what about just talking to people who know you outside teh retreat format
lwesterfun: because you have the time over christmas
CaLxPiNaYx07: it's just that.. i can't do these things in my room
CaLxPiNaYx07: or at home
lwesterfun: and you could do it.
CaLxPiNaYx07: i need to be away
lwesterfun: hmm
CaLxPiNaYx07: life is all to hectic everywhere
lwesterfun: i guess thats something i have trouble relating to...i spend so much time alone when im at home
lwesterfun: i get used to the idea of home being equivalent to solitude, reflection, time
lwesterfun: but i guess thats not the case at your place
CaLxPiNaYx07: not me.
CaLxPiNaYx07: not at all
CaLxPiNaYx07: i'd love to "vacation" with friends and not with family for once.
CaLxPiNaYx07: not have an agenda
CaLxPiNaYx07: or have sights to see
lwesterfun: any chance the mom'd let you, i don't know, take a day to go on a long walk or hike or something with people....like people from church or friends or something..where you can kinda pull a mini retreat
CaLxPiNaYx07: just kick-back and get to know people.. have some good conversation.. eat and laugh and be a non-student
lwesterfun: well, yes; would it be so hard to do that over christmas? it seems like a good opportunity
CaLxPiNaYx07: idk.. i'll try
CaLxPiNaYx07: we'll see how the parents feel
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posted by Rita at 
