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right on phil:
Some envy the guys who can "get" girls. My question to you is, what is "getting" a girl? Is it getting her to "let loose" and not care any more and give us whatever we want? That's always fun for a while, and sometimes girls succumb, just as guys stupidly pursue this type of relationship. We call this guy "the man", or a pimp, or even others look up to this guy. I for one look up to the kind of guys who have gained the respect of a girl, and has taken their relationship with that girl to a level that is far more meaningful than the ones that are all about sex....Im not saying anyone should be like this at a young age, but I think it should get to that point, otherwise, if someone's intentions are to be "the man", then mostly every relationship he has is going to be meaningless. |
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| HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, JAMIE!!!! |
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| *dreamy sigh* ok. i take it back! it's a wonderful day! it's really amazing what a delivery of a dozen red roses in a beautiful vase with a pretty card, a huge slice of chocolate cake, and a joke can do for ya... mmmm *dreamy sigh* |
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| day's not going too well... blah. |
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hug from behind - you like to feel what the other
person is feeling and see things how they see
them. you tend to be serious and emotional.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
or... yes, there is an "or" (amazing what 1 different answer can do! and so what if i retook it... both are right)
kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but
quite daring. you move for the kill confidently
knowing the other person wants the same thing.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
mmmmm... both are so... so... true. *dreamy sigh* need i say more... |
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| so far, lauren's been the only one to email me back the answers to my lil questionaire below. c'mon guys, what are you waiting for?? it's nothing to be scared of. |
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What is your passion?
Definition: "A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger. Ardent love. Strong sexual desire; lust. The object of such love or desire. Boundless enthusiasm. The object of such enthusiasm. An abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger."
What is my passion??? |
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Happiness is not a destination. It`s a manner of travel. Happiness...what is it? How do you find it? How can you keep it? For how long can you keep it?
When your breath catches in your throat..
... at the sight of a familiar memory, you`re instantly drawn back in time. Transformed to another place in the past, you try to keep that memory as alive as you can. Here, you are happy. More than happy, it`s bliss. Those were good times. No, not just good. Amazing! Like watching a your favorite movie play out in your mind, you savor each and every precious moment before you face reality again. You can just drown in your memory. It`s like being in love for the first time all over again... and it`s never as good as the first time!
Thoughts: "scribble, doodle & compose" 7/23/03
writing is a form of passion. releasing how you feel, your emotions and deepest thoughts through simple words on a blank sheet. i spent a good portion of my day sitting in my room staring at a blank piece of paper. i wanted to fill it with all sorts of meaningful words, and grammar and capital letters. i wanted to, just to watch the ink flow and seep down into the paper. engraved there like it was born through the pen and died on the paper. its life, the words we use to express everything. paint me shades, tints and tones of pink and gray. teal and orange, blue and yellow, off-white and pearl, and i will lay there and soak it all in. |
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| This one goes out to all my fellow ice cream addicts... I'm so sorry. Read THIS! |
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| Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow; we must fail in order to know. Sometimes our vision clears only after our eyes are washed away with tears. |
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when all you can hear is your heart beating...
What is silence? Is silence simply the moments when you cannot think of the right words to say, therefore, you remain speechless? Or is silence approval? Or maybe...or maybe...silence is the moment in which you focus all your attention into absorbing the bliss of the moment, instead of trying to use words to communicate. What is silence? Is it simply the lack of noise and sounds? Or is it the lack of that certain someone in your life????
I spent last night in silence...in complete and utter silence. Not because I lacked words to say, but because I realize that sometimes, you say it best when you say nothing at all. Lying there on my bed staring at the ceiling, I realize that silence can be a gift in awkward moments when words just aren`t enough. ~ And as I laid there in silence and the moonlight steamed down through my window, I realize that I now know that love truly is beautiful. And regardless of how many tears, how many sleepless nights I`ve had, regardless of negative side-effects of being in love, in the end, it`s the positive side-effects that keeps us wanting more...need more...LOVE KEEPS US ALIVE |
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(There's Gotta Be) More To Life - stacie orrico
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go
[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
[repeat chorus]
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....
[repeat chorus x2] |
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ok... new layout. whatcha think??? mmm... ice cream. i'd love ice cream right about now. it's so hot outside. MAN!
back to the layout.. this is like the 4th one of the summer. lol. can ya tell how bored i am at work??? ok. next week, i'll fumble with lauren's instead.. lol. |
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"Nerdy" 7/17/03
Why do your eyes paralyze me
What makes me feel this way
Just carry me away with silence and heartbeats
As rapid thinking about your embrace
and how it makes me feel
I just want to feel this way forever
Sleep on portraits painted as perfect as you
Why have I been given the chance to fly
When I`m not with you I feel lesser alone
I remember your face imprinted on angels
Your voice as beautiful as the sounds of waves
crashing against my heart
Time slows down when you look at me
I`m infatuated with this
infatuated with you
It`s so hard for me to understand why
I hadn`t found you before
don`t dull away
hold my hand
"Slice Paper Wrists" 7/3/03
When you read this
I will not be the same
I have let my true form show
this is my last
lost in all my guilt
for letting you fall
understand it wasn`t me
but I can`t dream without showing intentions
as I ask these questions
where were you
now I can`t see through your eyes
we fell apart
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| OMG OMG OMG OMG.. Norah Jones.. in concert.. in Berkeley.. MUST SEE!!! aug. 7 @ the Greek Theatre... eeeeee... gotta get tickets! |
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... and when you thought i could blog no more ... lemme hit ya with something interactive! answer please. email please. lilazncheerleader4u@yahoo.com comment please. soon. i'd love to see your response!!!
****OPINIONS*****
1. Am I cute?:
2. Am I hot?:
3. Am I sweet?:
4. Am I crazy?:
5. Am I loveable?:
6. Am I funny?:
7. Am I annoying?:
8. Am I psycho?:
9. Am I daring?:
10. Am I a good person?:
11. Am I sexy?:
*****WOULD YOU...*****
11. Hug me?:
12. Miss me if I was gone?:
13. Listen to my problems?:
14. Hug me if i cried?:
15. Be a good friend?:
*****WOULD YOU...*****
16. Ever go out with me?:
17. If you already have would u do it again?:
18. Kiss me ((Really))?:
19. Have ruff sex with me?
20. Marry me if u could?:
*****HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME?*****
21. When's my birthday?:
22. How tall am I?:
23. What school do I go to?:
24. Do i have any siblings ~> names?? :
25. Who is my most current ex?:
26. Who is my best friend?:
27. Who am i crushing on/dating?:
28. Favorite animal?:
29. Favorite food?:
30. Favorite TV show?:
31. Favorite song/songs?:
32. Favorite music group?:
*****IF YOU COULD*****
36. Give me a new name, what would it be and why?:
37. Hook me up with someone (real), who would it be and why?:
38. Do one thing with me what would it be and why?:
39. Drop me one piece of advice, what would it be?:
*****JUST A FEW QUESTIONS*****
40.What do you love about me?:
41. What do you hate about me?(seriously):
42. What is my best quality?:
43. If you could change one thing about me what would it be?:
44. What is your honest opinion of me?
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daily lyrics: Someday We`ll Know - Hall & Oates
Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can’t stop driving I don’t know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later your still on my mind..
Whatever happened to Amelia Airheart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
...Did the captain of the Titanic cry..?
Someday We`ll know..
If love can move a mountain..
Someday we’ll know..
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we’ll know..
Why I wasn’t meant for you...
Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries..?
I’m speeding by the place that I met you....For the ninety-seventh time
...Tonight
Someday we’ll know...
Why Sampson loved Dalilah..
And one day i`ll go...
Dancing on the moon..
And someday you`ll know..
..that I was the one for you...
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow..
Watched the stars crash in the sea..
If I could ask God one question, it would be...
"..Why aren`t you here with me tonight?..."
Someday we’ll know... |
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Do Stand Up Comedy, You`re A Joke!
People try too hard.
Try too hard to be accepted, to score, to be something they`re not. I`m not even in a bad mood, I just like to preach.
Let`s say you`re being persistant in pursuing someone, and it doesn`t work out, you should never change your tune.
Don`t disregard the person because it didn`t work. Don`t turn down friendship. Turning down friendship or ignoring the person only proves you were in it for *bleep*. It says it was a good thing you both didn`t hook up.
It also says says you have no real compadres of the opposite sex, just some people you`re uninterested in, yet they like you, and you keep them around for casual sex. How cheap it that? How cheap are you?
Sound like you? Then you`re feeling conviction and that`s a good thing because this kind of behavior just stinks.
In my experience I`ll be blunt. I`m tired of fake nice guys pretending they like me when they want sex and a trophy, not a girlfriend.
I`m a person ... not an object and I can differentiate between sincere interest and a male *bleep*. ::looks at To Do List:: ... doesn`t say men.... lol.
So save your energy and call a 1 900 number or holler at those famous baby mama`s Philly`s known for ... lmao. At least they do what the`re paid to do.
My services don`t come free or easily.
- An excerpt from "Pimpin` Is Mah Name, Pimpin` Is Da Game"
By Natassha "Velvet" Jizza Jones |
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| u cant lose something u never had in the first place - how to lose a guy in 10 days |
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| what is love? how do you know if you`re in love? is it when you think about them constantly? when you want to spend every moment with them? when every song reminds you of them? when you want them to be first on your list for everything? when you get that bubbly feeling when you`re near them? when you love everything about them? when you can talk all night and day about them? when you always wonder where they are and what they`re doing? when they are the first person you tell anything to? when you cancel plans for them or schedule your life around them? when you find yourself waiting up for them? when, even in tough times, their smile makes you feel all better? when you find yourself wishing for them every night? gee, i have no clue. all of the above??? |
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May 15th ~ May 24th = Gold
*GOLD*You know what's right and what's wrong. You are cheerful and
outgoing. It's hard for you to find the one you want, but once you
find the right person, you won't be able to fall in love again for a
long time. |
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a day's blog would not be complete without song lyrics... Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson... another "rita & lauren" theme song! dude, i need to burn a cd!
(Verse 1)
Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne
So, by keeping her heart protected
She'll never, ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true
(Verse 2)
Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no
But she miscalculated
She didn't wanna end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love
So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside, she felt a connection
She fell in love
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)
(Bridge)
When miss independent walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I've finally seen
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)
Miss independent
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"Down Memory Lane" 7/14/03
sometimes it is time
to take a trip
down memory lane
just as the tree
needs to be
pruned to be fruitful
the heart needs to be
cleansed to grow
the mind needs to be
traversed occasionally
we need to sort the
contents of that black box
and, at the same time,
relinquish our hold
on our pride, and
find our humility
it is not so much
like picking
at a scab
as it is
digging out
an old splinter
buried under layers
of new skin
our collection of
memories and dreams
needs to be
perused once in a while
otherwise we will be
like a chained animals,
only able to go so far
without being held back
down memory lane
we are able
to see our mistakes
replayed before our eyes
to meet the skeletons
in our closets
to taste the salt
of the tears we cried
sometimes it is time
to take a trip
down memory lane
sometimes we need
to suffer to gain
sometimes we need
look down that
dark lane and
into ourselves
"Why?" 11/01
eternal life...
we all wonder how to get it,
wonder what price must be paid,
what we must do..
and yet most
of the time, the answer
eludes us
we strive to do everything,
get everything
and how ironic it is
that eternal life is a gift
no strings attached,
no small print.
Jesus stands
knocking at your door;
the door is locked
from within. only you can open it...
in His hands,
he holds the gift of eternal life.
no price.
He`s already paid it.
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this is an old blog from march that was never published. posted, yes. published, no.... so here it. just a reminder to myself to quit thinking this way:
living this lie everyday just gets so tiring. it`s like a battle ongoing, but never won. no end in sight. neither death nor freedom awaiting you anytime near. but it`s a battle i must continue to fight, because i made the choice to. simple as that. will this lie ever conquer? let`s just hope it does. telling myself how wonderful it is to be alive, telling myself how much this world needs me, telling myself just how beautiful a person i am, telling myself how much good i do and can do, telling myself how much i`m loved, telling myself that i`m okay, telling myself that i will always be okay, telling myself that i`m worthy of any type of kindness... telling myself these lies just gets so tiring. but belief is formed through constant repetition to one`s self. and so, that is what i do and will keep on doing. what if it`ll be a battle never won? will i ever live in the truth that i`m just not good enough? will i ever live in the truth that i will never make up for all the wrong i`ve done and been? will i ever live in the truth that i really am the horrible person i know i am? living this lie about my existence just gets so tiring. |
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What's going on up in there...
+ I actually like school, believe it or not. (I think this sets off some kind of nerd alarm with people sometimes.) Hmm... You either go to univerisity because you were forced to, you have no choice in this case; you were going to study what you loved no matter the consequences; you are going to study something practical and get that job that your parents have predestined for you or something that you have chosen for yourself; or you just didn`t know what else to do for the next four years. For me going to university was a mixture of all that (not all equal parts of course). I`m actually excited about starting at a new school this August. Yep, its like kindergarten only with big kids. Remember, sharing is caring. (Catholic school will do that to you.)
+ 
THIS IS WRONG!!!
+ 
THIS CRACKS ME UP!!! get it.. cracks... hahahahahahhaha...
+ Something to ponder:
Watch your thoughts. It becomes words.
Watch your words. It becomes actions.
Watch your actions. It becomes habits.
Watch your habits. It becomes your character.
Watch your character. It determines your destiny.
+ Must see...
+ Man, all I want is a massage. |
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May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
CHESTNUT TREE (Honesty) - of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritates easily and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.
hey guys: if this true? you're probably a better judge than i am... holla back.
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aw man.. so peter actually filled out the survey. COOLNESS! yeah.. so i read it. thought about it. took it in. wow... he's a great writer. lauren, too! she finally figured out how to! not as computer illiterate anyway, huh? ah, my english studs!!! those are the two i'm saddest about leaving. there were really 3, but becky's already gone. so now.. there's 2. one off to so. cal and one clear across the country... my god! i just wanna enjoy our last days together. that's all...
oh, and back to the survey: peter, we (lauren and i) are not wusses because we chose not to answer the final question with a long, long, answer, ok! but if an explanation is what you want... then that's what you're gonna get.
*deep breath in* ................................... *deep breath out*
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wisdom is not wisdom when it is derived from books alone. right. there are pamphlets and websites and hotlines... lol
it's one thing to be smart but it's another thing to be wise. being smart or intelligent or what have you is just quantative... it's like a test score. it's those funky IQ tests. with wisdom, there's maturity and experience. there's something ominous about wisdom. there's something more respectable about it, i think. well.. maybe not respectable. gosh idk. it's more comprehensive. it's like everything you've ever experienced and everything you've ever learned all compiled together. it's the experiences that make you wise. cuz you can deal. cuz you know what works in the situation and you know what doesn't. you learn from your mistakes. and you learn from others mistakes, too. you're better for it no matter the outcome.
idk. anyone can read a book, study, memorize, take a test, and ace it. that's smart. but when you can apply it outside of the classroom or program and into your life, that's wisdom. when you can take all the ideas and concepts that you've learned, and can form insights of your own and make informed decisions, that's wisdom to me. might not be for you.. but this isn't your blog, now is it!
and another thing: self-help books... some evil mastermind must have thought up that money making scheme (wish i'd thought of it first, though. lol) something about them just rubs me the wrong way. i used to browse them at the bookstore or at the library, but really, WHY SHOULD PEOPLE NEED THEM!!! wait... nevermind. i take that back. some people do need them. that's fine, i guess. i just hope i'll never have to buy one. that'd be depressing. reading a book that tells you how you should act or how you should feel. that's so impersonal. so very impersonal. i'd rather talk to something to help me get through whatever it is that's bugging me. talking is much more gratifying than reading i think. there's nothing like a good ranting/bashing/confiding/emoting session with your closest friends... i love you all!
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hey.. friendster's really cool. i just found a guy that i hadn't seen for like 5 years! hi gilbert! i think i had a mini-crush on him when i was like 13.. but he had a really pretty girlfriend and i wasn't about to go there.. lol. he was also a junior in high school and you know how that goes... aw man. dance troupe memories: the little girls (rachel, mer, etc.) used to call him "apple" cuz he was the apple of their eye.. aw how cute!!!
“wisdom is not wisdom when it is derived from books alone.”
“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” – Linda Ha
“I love you whether it’s wrong or right, and though I can’t be with you tonight, you know my heart is by your side.” – daniel beddingfield
i'll comment on those later... many phone calls to answer... i'll be back though.
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Somebody Special - Tyrese
(Uh, Damn)
I had someone before
That I thought I loved but I was young and I didn’t know
I let her hurt me and work my nerves to the bone
Jerk me, find another, and push me along
But it taught me one thing
That love is deceived
You got that phony love where you giving and receiving
But things are different now
I put that all behind me
I'm sure this time, that
I (I) think I really know what love is now
How it would get ya, how it looks, how it sounds
And how it makes you feel when you finally found somebody special
Now (I) think I really know what love is now
And how it makes you smile when you down and out
And the world treats you cold
It’s easier when you’ve found somebody special
Everything, everything, everything, will make you smile
When you find somebody to hold you
Don't you know, don't you know, don't you know would never lie
It’s easier to breathe when you meet somebody
Who makes you laugh, who makes you glad
Glad that you didn’t just give it up
Somebody that you comfortable to live it up with
What I got is what I'm missing
And ooohhh what I'm feeling
I (I) think I really know what love is now (what love is now)
How it would get ya, how it looks, how it sounds (hey)
And how it makes you feel when you finally found somebody special (how it makes
you feel when you found somebody, hey)
Now (I) think I really know what love is now (what love is found)
And how it makes you smile when you down and out (hey)
And the world treats you cold (treats you cold)
It’s easier when you’ve found somebody special
All I ever wanted was someone to trust (hey)
And what I found was sooooo real (baby)
And now I really feel like I’m a friend of love
(Ooh) And this is what I believe in
And I ain’t letting go
No, no, no, no, no
I’ll keep holding on
Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong
Things are different now
The drama is behind and I feel this time (yeah)
I (I) think I really know what love now (what love is now)
How it would get you how it looks how it sounds (how it looks how it sounds)
And how it makes you feel when you finally found somebody special (finally
found somebody special hey)
Now (I) think I really know what love is now (everyday loving me, next to me
baby)
And how it makes you smile when you down and out
And the world treats you cold (hey)
It’s easier when you’ve found somebody special
(Everything I want and I need)
I (I) think I really know what love is now
How it would get you how it looks how it sounds (how it makes you do types of
things that you never seen yourself doing)
And how it makes you feel when you finally found somebody special
Now (I) think I really know what love is now
And how it makes you smile when you down and out
And the world treats you cold
It’s easier when you've found somebody special
(Everything that you want and need you got in your pretty baby)
(Ah, oh baby) |
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so i decided to look through old blog entries.. what a surprise!?! and i looked back to my entry from last July 9th... why did i say it was a long day? what was i doing? and why did i take a "how evil are you" quiz? i'm 20% evil by the way (not that that really matters anyhoo)
hmmm... college is starting in a lil over a month. where did the summer go? |
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| just a thought: what if i became a nun? |
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If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you. -- deep thoughts
ok. what is so embarrassing about asking for help, eh? |
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la dee da... still bored at work... la dee da.
time to freak out (in a good way): ok... so i'm looking at my friendster account and reading all the stuff about me that i've put up on the internet for the whole world to see (once again) and "high fidelity" was on there. haven't read it yet... but would like to. peter says i'd know too much about boys if i did.. so i'm definitely gonna read it now... muahahahaha... god knows i could use all the help i can get. anyways... i searched it on the internet (google!) to see if there were lil excerpts or whatever.. and there were. so i read them, and i think i'm gonna like this book! all i gotta do is go and find it now! woo woo... lol. laterz...
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la dee da... bored at work... la dee da.
time to rant: hmmm.. ok. i love chocolate. chocolate cake. chocolate milk. chocolate ice cream. chocolate cookies. chocolate brownies. chocolate candy. chocolate covered macadamia nuts. chocolate covered strawberries. chocolate covered raisins. chocolate mousse. chocolate frosting. chocolate powder. chocolate pudding. chocolate. chocolate. chocolate... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... yum. who the hell cares if it gives you zits and makes you go "oooo... what have i done to myself?" when you look in the mirror. mmmmm. chocolate. good s#!t. sigh. and after typing "chocolate" for a gazillion times (kinda).. doesn't it look kinda funny? lol.
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this is where i was: Somethin' about the way you smiled at me just drove me wild. Wish I could know if your alone, don't wanna cramp your style. But I cannot deny the feeling that I feel when I look straight into your eyes--Feel my heart beating fast for a challenge may arise. I wanna know if you feel the way I do. I wanna know if theres a chance for me and you - "Mr. Man" Alicia Keys
this is where i am now: How can I adjust to the way that things are going. It's killing me slowly. Oh, I just want it to be how it used to be. - "Why Do I Feel So Sad" Alicia Keys
this is where i'm gonna be: How do you find the words to say-to say goodbye, if your heart don't have the heart to say-to say goodbye. - "Goodbye" Alicia Keys
why can't i ever hold onto a good thing for long enough? for as long as i like? or would like? it just doesn't seem fair, but then again life's not fair, is it! |
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quote lauren: * emotional fuckwittage: incredibly & wonderfully accurate (and satisfying to say!) term which refers to man's tendency towards complete & utter idiocy when it comes to emotional/commitment/understanding/ambiguity/honesty issues in relationships
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... i'm in serious need of a late night phone and closet conversation!!! if only jamie hadn't gone and listened in on our last phone convo... "see you in hell" she says... i can't trust anyone in this house while i'm on the phone. there's a conspiracy. i get no privacy! why is that? oh that's right... cuz i'm a prisoner in Encarnacion-land.
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so, a lot has happened since wednesday... not all of it was as good as the night before (eeeeeeeeee.. lauren). idk. wednesday was pretty crappy actually. lots of up and downs. ups: woke up on time, no traffic, light work load before 11 AM, ice cream, shade, friends. downs: cold cold cold, feeling achy and weak, slowwwwwww work day after morning break, homeless people, guilt.
GUILT SUCKS! it is probably the most horrible feeling in the world. when people say what's true and it's about something you've done that's incorrect or bad or wrong or inappropriate... damn. there are always variations in guilt, but in any case you feel pretty shitty.. and for me, it's not something i can easily get over. and what's worse is that i'm not strong enough to get over it quick enough. in retrospect, i could've.. much faster.. but i didn't and it left me thinking for the rest of the day. i wanted to call people but there was only one line. i wanted to see to if lauren or peter or anyone was online, but jamie was occupying it. i wanted to call becky, but she's at air force. damn. stupid stupid me!!!! and so i went to bed confused, worried, torn. <-- never do that!
i say never do that because your dreams get all trippy!!! (well they do for me.. they scare me. nothing gets resolved. something gets worse. something got worse.) idk... my dreams. my dreams are usually good indicators of where i'm at with certain people or issues or whatever. back in the day, they were pretty freakin accurate! like prophetic in a non-religious way, if that makes sense at all... i might as well describe it:
so it was me and my gang: lauren, becky (yeah yeah.. air force... but it was a dream ok!), megan, veronica, christina, kevin, matt, adam, and will. and then there was peter and jordan and conrad and john (idk why john was there, but he was, for like 2 seconds)... ok so we were all having our beach day. playing frisbee. volleyball. eating ice cream. burying kevin in the sand. building whacked-out sand castles. climbing rocks. running through the waves as they washed in and out. surfing (yeah.. none of us surf in real life). everything was perfect. i loved it. i was having fun. and then things changed: so i guess conrad (our UCSD surfer-to-be and supplier of a surf board) lends it to me and peter. and so we go paddling into the ocean with a most spectacular sunset in view. (and why i'm even out that far away from the shore idk... i don't do swimming.) and we're talking and enjoying each other's company when back on shore i see lisa. and she's waving and we're waving back. and she's calling out something. and i can't quite make it out, but i guess peter can. and so he jumps off the board, flipping it over and me with it. and he starts swimming back to shore and he leaves me in the middle of the ocean with nothing but a surf board to hold on to. and so i'm just chilling there in the middle of the ocean just watching him get back to shore... and him and lisa start talking and then they start making out... like woah! and so i get back on the board and begin paddling back to shore but a huge wave comes from behind me and crashes onto me and the board and i can't get out from under the waves. luckily lauren and becky and megan see what's happened and come to save me, but it's just too late. they manage to get my body back to shore, but they can't revive me. and so my lifeless body is just laying there on the beach. and as my soul leaves my body i look around. i see my friends standing there in disbelief, i see conrad shaking his head, i see jordan comforting lauren, i see becky giving someone the finger (MY FINGER!) and the wrist, and megan shooting out her death stare... they're giving it to peter. who is STILL making out with lisa... and then i see my body on the sand and as i'm getting further and further away from it i see that there's something written there... it says "I LOVE LISA!" and my body makes the exclamation point.
WTF!!!! i was ditched and then died in the same dream! WTF!!!! i woke up at like 3 in the morning in a cold sweat... i mean, yeah it was hot that night. but sheesh! i eventually got back to bed after what seems like 1/2 an hour of trying to get comfortable again, and i wake up again at 6 with all my covers kicked to the foot of my bed. thursday was not ordinary... i just watched movies all day... Maid in Manhattan (ahhhhhhhhhh... i love it! i hate how sappy love stories make me feel... i wanna be in a fairy tale... like cinderella... where's my prince?!? oh.. and the score/soundtrack... can you say: I LOVE NORAH JONES!!!!! omg... her music. her voice. it's just soooooo romantic and sultry and makes me wanna find my MAN!!!!! so i can be with someone who makes me feel that way, too!!! I WANT LOVE SO BADLY!!! i'm pathetic. it makes me wanna cry.) and after that i watched Catch Me If You Can (now that is a great pick-me-up movie! no sappy love line... just a lot of clever lines and foolery and deceit... smart smart man!) and then i watched About Adam (way cute! so far... i just watched half actually. i got a headache... it was actually a bit sad though. the guy "Adam" he was a player.. i hate that. he was going to marry this girl and it seems like he just liked her cuz she was all proactive and planned outings and she controlled him a bit. those two were the fun couple. kiss. hug. talk. kiss. kiss. drive. kiss. sex. kiss. and then there was her sister who adam was seeing on the side!!!! that asshole!!!! she was an intellectual. they both loved poetry and books and she thought he had some hidden tragedy that only she could get him through. and so he saw her to fill that part of him , i suppose. BOYS CAN REALLY SUCK SOMETIMES!!!) and then i watched The Guru (OMG!!!!! stupid stupid movie... funny at times... a bit too over-sexual at times... but wow! idk.. it was ok.. it seems like they were just trying to justify the porno industry.. and then some. whatever.... oh and i did not like how they used that tired old stereotype of the good 'lil catholic school girl gone bad... what is this world coming to!?!?) oh.. and i watched The Pianist (it was alright... the hands though... wow. truly mesmerizing! the WWII/warsaw ghetto plot was soooooooo sad. i can't believe this was someone's life. the filth and the fear. the persecution. it's just terrible. but it's amazing really... such strength and character and talent! wow! survival was really his masterpiece!) thursday was a long day... so i got to sleep relatively early.
friday. FOURTH OF JULY! independence day at home... burgers. movies. food. games. cleaning of course. fireworks. friendster.
join friendster. i need friends... lol... on friendster that is.
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| sigh.... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! it's been a good night. |
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| yup... i'm back to tinkering. i think i've found a new inspiration (it only took 6 hours...) |
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posted by Rita at 
